Serenity Prayer -

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." I have had a new sense of peace since my last post. I have not miscarried yet, but still am having symptoms. Tomorrow I go in to have my levels checked. If they are high and right on track, then I will know that everything is fine for the time being, but if they are low, then I will have to prepare myself that my body is probably miscarrying. It's tough. But it is something I can not change, therefore I must accept it for what it is. I think I was becoming too drained stressing and worrying about it 24/7. I wasn't sleeping. I was crying all of the time. And nothing has happened yet! I still have a chance of it being okay!

The only thing I want more than this baby is God's perfect plan for our family. I want to tell of His great faithfulness no matter the outcome. Because He IS faithful. I read a quote recently that I printed out and have it hanging on our refridgerater. It says "Love of God is pure when joy and suffering inspire an equal degree of gratitude." I want to live that daily.

So, needless to say I still am a bit nervous for tomorrow's test. I find myself thinking "what if it's bad news?". But then at the same time I have ask "but what if it's good news?". And ultimately, no matter what my eyes see, my God is in complete control and He is faithful. And helping me accept what I can not change.

He IS my Healer -

"You hold my every moment,
You calm my raging sea.
You walk with me through fire,
and heal all my disease.

I trust in You, I trust in You....

I believe You're my healer.
I believe You are all I need.
I believe, You're my portion.
I believe, You're more than enough for me,
Jesus You're all I need."

Anyone who reads this, I would ask for your prayers. I found out last weekend that I am indeed pregnant again. I had two blood tests done this past week, and as of yesterday everything was looking good. However I got up this morning and am experiencing miscarriage symptoms now. I am terrified, heartbroken, but doing my best to walk in faith. Please walk along with me. He IS my Healer, so I hope He chooses now to heal my body. But if not, we will walk through it, and we will keep trying.

And so, healing comes...

I think the passing of my "due date" was in a way good closure for me. Ever since that day I have felt more content, more at peace. Happy with what I have now. Don't get me wrong, I still want a baby sometimes more than I want breath, but it is easier to be patient now, and just say "in God's timing". I still feel my heart hurting a little bit when I see my friends with their new babies. But after debating if I should grab the baby and run for it, I am able to tell myself that someday it will be my turn.

In the meantime, I have put a lot more effort into my marriage and into taking care of my body. I have been reading the book "The Power of a Praying Wife", and really am learning a lot. I want to make sure my marriage is strong and has a good foundation so that we can not only survive having a baby together, but thrive while doing it. God has already answered one prayer of mine - He has brought me peace and healing. He has given me the most incredible man I can ever fathom walking through life with. He has given me the cutest little chihuahua that has been a great companion over the last 8 years of my life. He has given me two goofy Rhodesian Ridgeback mixes that make me laugh every day and bring so much joy. They make me feel loved, and in a way give me a nurturing outlet.

I really do love my life. I'm ready for the next stage, but shouldn't be quick to pass up on this one. Marriage is so fun and until that baby day comes, I have three "babies" at home who need me and make me smile.

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him." (My baby verse!)

September 26th -

Tomorrow. The date is a unique one for me now. Tomorrow would have been my due date. Or, was my due date I guess. Time goes so fast I can't believe it has already been almost 8 months since the fun surprise of seeing that immediate positive sign show up on the home pregnancy test. I think about that night a lot, and all the emotions I had. Fear, excitement, surprise, awe. Every month since then I have begged God to let me feel that again. And I guess in a way I have.

Fear - I'm afraid I'll never have the family I have dreamed about since I was a little girl playing with Cabbage Patch dolls. Afraid I am finally going to get pregnant again, only to lose it again. Afraid of more pain in my future.

Excitement - I AM excited to see what God has for me, because it must be SOMETHING! What is He preparing me for? What does He know that I have yet to find out? Surely He wouldn't have created me to be this way if I was never to have children, right?

Surprise - Surprises aren't always fun - I continue to feel surprised that I am not with child yet. But also surprised by the love I feel for my husband, and the joy and contentment I have most days of knowing that at this time our family consists of just the 2 of us with 3 goofy dogs who make me laugh.

Awe - I am awed at how good and gracious my God is to me. I really am thankful for my life and awed by the blessings I have. I do not deserve any of them.

So, tomorrow brings with it it's own mix of emotions. Truthfully, I will probably shed a few tears tomorrow. For what I lost and for what might have been. For the unfairness of life and the pain that comes with reality and growing up. For the frustration of not knowing what God wants from me as I wait for a dream fulfilled. Maybe this is all I will have? Am I ready to accept that if it is? Am I spoiled or ungrateful if I continue to ask for more, or is that what God wants me to do? Jesus, what do you want from this heart of mine???

Yes, dear little one who lived for such a short time in my tummy, I think about you a lot. I still miss you. I wonder what your purpose was, and why I never got to meet you. I wonder how it is you came about in the first place and why we can't seem to recreate that. I wonder if you really are with my Gramps or how all that works. I believe you were a life at conception and I will probably always continue to wonder about you until the day I can ask God himself. And, I will never forget you. You changed something inside of me and I'm not sure yet if I am grateful for it, or resentful. Sometimes I do wish I had never known your existence. I didn't know how much I wanted you until you were gone, and sent me on a path I still am walking, waiting to see where it leads.

Two Years!

Wow, it has already been two years since my wonderful, exciting, fun, joyful wedding day! I loved our wedding - kind of a bummer that you only get to do it once. As usual, there are always a few things that looking back I think I would change. My veil, for example. I loved my veil, but it was longer than I wanted, and in my photos it is sometimes hard to look at because it bugs me so badly. Another HUGE regret is our photographer. He is a very nice person, and very good at taking portraits, but that was not the kind of pictures I wanted for our wedding. It's been two years, and I still have not ordered any pictures because it makes me cry to look at them - not in a good way. I know as time goes by and life goes on, I will care less, but for now it is still a painful regret.

Things we did for our wedding that I did love and would not change? My dress! I looooooved my dress and felt like a princess in it. Same with all of my accessories - loved my shoes, my head piece (made by a patient and purchased for $25.00), and my jewelry. I wore the pearl necklace that my father gave my mother for their wedding, and was worn by my sister at her wedding, as well as my sister-in-law. Very special. I wore something old (necklace), something new (dress), something borrowed (also necklace), and something blue (a garter). It was so fun and special to be a bride!

We had a huge wedding but I loved it. As I said to Troy just yesterday, "Hey, you only do it once - might as well make it big!". Truthfully, when it came time for our ceremony, and we were up on the stage with just our attendants and my uncle who performed the ceremony, I was not aware of anyone else in the room. It seemed like it was only Troy and I, exchanging our vows and making a lifelong promise to stand beside each other, for better or for worse.

And, we have had to work to keep those vows. Most days it's easy. I would say, 99/100 days it's easy. But over the last 2 years, we certainly have had to work harder some days. Particularly, the last 8 months. In the last 8 months we have faced financial stress due to the economy, a miscarriage, the struggle to get pregnant again, deaths including my grandfather, and learning to deal with homeownership, particularly when things go wrong. Believe me, there have been days that I thought "wow, marriage is harder than I thought it would be!". But most days I also have the thought "wow, marriage is even better than I thought it would be!". I am blessed to have a man who serves me joyfully, is faithful physically, emotionally, and mentally to me alone, desires to be the husband God has created him to be, and even on our worst days he holds me and tells me he loves me. And then I know that we can work through anything. As long as we make faithfulness to each other and to God above everything else, we can make it. And not just "survive' marriage, but thrive and enjoy it.

Two years has flown by and I am so happy. Happy to have a man perfectly created for me, and to be the wife of a man so wonderful. I love him more than anything except my God, and can't wait to write about our third happy year together! Happy anniversary Troy! I love you and thank you for choosing me to be your wife!

Yahoo! It's Almost Autumn!!!

My favorite, favorite, time of year is right around the corner! Thanks to Montana weather, I even got to wear a sweater today! I love Fall so much, I get silly giddy and my stomach does little flip-flops! Summer is fine and is fun, but when a person works full-time, it's not as much fun. I like summer evenings, and I like when I have a free weekend day and can spend it with all my family out at my parents' house, but other than that it really doesn't do much for me any more. I haven't been to the fair in years, did not even put a swimming suit on this year, and there are no summer vacations for us. So, as I said, it really does nothing for me.

Fall though! Now we're talking! Beautiful color changes outside, dark cozy mornings and evenings, bright, crisp, blue sky wihout uncomfortable heat, and the SMELLS! Oh, wonderful! I think for me, I love the coziness of it all. I love putting on pants and a soft sweater when getting ready for work in the mornings. I love getting to the office and making a big cup of hot coffee or cider, and sitting down at my desk and turning the space heater on. I love to go home for lunch and put something yummy in the crock pot like chili, or stew, or chicken and rice, so that the house smells divine when we get home after work! I love bundling up a bit and taking a walk, then coming home and putting pajamas on, lighting candles that smell like pumpkin or spices, and cuddling on the couch with my hubby and dogs to play cribbage or watch tv.

I love the anticipation and excitement of the upcoming holidays. Yes, even Halloween! I love getting pumpkins, decorating the house with them and leaves, and watching the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown classic! Then after Halloween comes Thanksgiving, which is a whole other blog, as is Christmas!!! I am pretty much giddy from September through December. I love it!

Proof that even though tears may last for a night, there will always be some joy that comes in the morning, and always something to look forward to. God is gracious to me. I don't know what my future holds, but I know the One who holds my future (yes, I stole that line). He is more faithful than the changing seasons, and keeps all His promises. Today I am feeling full of joy and looking forward to this next season with great anticipation. Both literally and figuratively :-)

Tough Days -

Yesterday was a hard day for my heart. We went to my grandfather and step-grandmother's house in Lincoln to fulfill one of my Gramps' last wishes - that the family would get together for a big steak dinner and remember him. And laugh. Well, we did laugh. But also cried. His wife had a lot of his clothes and some special belongings out for us to look at and hopefully take home with us. I lost it when I picked up a bathrobe of his and smelled it. It smelled like him and just about every memory I had of him came rushing back in that moment. That bathrobe came home with us and I wore it all last night and some of this morning. I didn't put it back on after my shower because I did not want it to smell like my lotion. i want it to smell like Gramps for as long as possible. My husband is built similar to my Gramps so he has been able to keep and wear some of his shoes, shirts, and hats. I love seeing them on him, yet it is also so strange. Death is so hard. What would a person do without the hope of Heaven? Without the peace that you will someday see your loved ones, providing they have acknowledged Christ as their Savior?

Yesterday also marked another month not pregnant. Worse than that, we had a false positive earlier in the week, so I feel like my heart is extra crushed. I want a baby so badly. Its so consuming that I no longer can just fall asleep at night. Instead I lie awake and beg God to put a life inside me. I cry quietly so my husband won't know how much it consumes my every thought and prayer. I think about how I would be close to giving birth if I had not miscarried back in January. I wonder if we will ever have the opportunity to use our extra bedrooms in this house, or how much "help" we are going to need to fulfill this girl's life-long dreams. And if they ever will be fulfilled. I try to imagine what it would be like to never have children and if I could handle that. Or what if we have opportunity to adopt but I never experience pregnancy. Could I be okay with that? It makes me realize, I don't JUST want a child - I want to experience pregnancy and the marvel of watching God take Troy's and my DNA and create a new life. Maybe I still would someday adopt, but I know that I do absolutely want to experience the joy, sickness, fear, fatigue, and everything else that comes with being pregnant. I did have it for a few weeks, and I LOVED every moment of it. I had just a taste, but I want more than that.

So, blame hormones, but it has been a weepy weekend for me. I try to always be happy, but when Troy asked me how I felt last night, all I could honestly say was "sad". I was sad. I was missing my grandfather, hating death, and mourning the fact that my womb is empty. I know it is all a part of life, and believe me, I KNOW I have much to be grateful for! But sometimes, I just have a tough day. And yesterday was one of them.