Okay, I'm stepping into the 21st century. Now that I finally own a computer, I am going to try this "blogging" thing. At first these blogs did not make any sense to me. But after reading a few from my friends and family, I like them! And since I have never been good about sitting down and hand-writing my thoughts when they become so consuming, perhaps this will be a good outlet. Maybe in the process God will use me in someone's life. Maybe in the process God will use someone in my life. Either way, can't hurt to try!
Here is my current journey that I am learning to walk through. I want to be pregnant. Yesterday. My husband and I have been married almost 19 months, and we have a wonderful, strong, God-centered relationship. We bought our first house 6 months ago, big enough to grow into, and we both have very good careers. I also will be turning 30 in 2 weeks. In my mind, perfect timing.
Now, about a year ago I thought maybe it was a good time to go off the pill, so we did. After 3 months, we were house-hunting, got scared, and I went back on them. In December, I decided to again go off them, telling my husband that I was sure I won't get pregnant very easily (because I didn't the first time), and that it will probably take us at least a year. That helped wipe the terror off his face, and give me the okay to "pull the goalie". 4 weeks later I felt different. Tired. Exhausted, actually. Crying over everything. Needing to use the restroom often. And as I looked at the calendar, I realized I had missed something important. Certain that my body was just a little confused, I went ahead and double-checked with an at-home test while my husband was gone. Again, no need to cause terror in him over a false alarm.
Positive. What?! Can't be! Excited? Scared! What did we just do? Life will never be the same again. WHAT DID WE JUST DO???? Pace, pace, pace; look out the window. When is Husband coming home??? Pace, pace, pace. Secretly call Sister. Pace, pace, pace; check the garage. Finally, he came home and I got to share the news with him.
The next few days, the shock wore off, and joy and excitement set in. I went to Target to buy Pre-Natal vitamins, "what to expect when you're expecting", and grandma and grandpa bibs to give to my in-laws. I called the doctor and set an appointment for our first ultrasound. We figured out the due date - September 26th. 3 weeks after our 2nd anniversary and at the end of Troy's golf season - perfect timing! I was eating healthier than I ever had - making sure to get several fruits and vegetables in my body daily. I no longer cared if it tasted good or not - only the best for my baby!
We were too excited to wait the popular first trimester before telling anyone - how do women do that?? We both were bursting with the news. So we told close friends, immediate family, and my boss. Everyone was so excited. My mother-in-law cried, and that woman NEVER cries! Oh, how we all loved that baby already! All during this time, I had a nagging feeling that I was going to miscarry. I talked myself out of it, thinking that I was just being negative, expecting the worst, not trusting God, etc. Still, the feeling never went away and I felt like I was in constant prayer that I would not lose this baby I was already in love with.
A week later, I felt different again. Certain pregnancy signs were no longer as strong. Fear set in. 9:00 on a Sunday night, I went to use the restroom and found the obvious sign of a miscarriage. I was heartbroken. Troy, my mom, and sister all tried to encourage me that maybe I didn't lose it. But I knew I did. Deep down, I knew. And somehow all along, I knew that I was going to lose it. Women's intuition? Mother's early intuition? Maybe. But somehow I was not surprised. It was a life, and a child. Only 6 weeks old, but a child. And I had already loved it and felt protection for it. Suddenly it was gone, and I missed it. I missed knowing there was something in me. I missed planning for it. And I missed the joy of being pregnant.
I know it's common, and still today I feel guilty for continuing to walk through the grieving process. I mean, I never met it. I never saw it on an ultrasound. We didn't even have names picked out. It wasn't even a him or her yet. Shouldn't I already have moved on? But I'm not completely there yet. And maybe I won't be until I am pregnant again. Last night I thought about how I would have been starting my 2nd trimester now. Maybe I would even have started showing a bit. And that brings a lump to my throat. We were dealt an injustice. How come women have abortions on purpose, and yet the child we wanted was taken from us? Questions that will never be answered while we are on this earth.
God has a plan. That sentence has been thrown at us a lot. And yet, it is what I cling to. Now I am desperate to become pregnant again, and for the 2nd month "trying", I still am not. Everyone advises "You're trying too hard. You need to just relax." Yes, I know this in my mind, but how does one not think about it? I really am trying. I am trying to not think about it, and working to keep my faith that God has something wonderful in our future. But God's timing is not always our timing. It is so hard to wait! Does God remember that I am almost 30 and that I want to have more than 1 child? The things you can't control. I walked through this journey when I was desperate to fall in love and be married. Does God remember that we already did the patience test then? Can I please just have something come easy for me, like get pregnant when I want to?
I know others walk this road, and I am trying to do it with as much grace as them. And I really am grateful for the blessings we have - like, at least now I know I can get pregnant. And now this gives me some more "newlywed" time to enjoy having Troy's attention to myself. And more time to improve our financial situation. This has made our marriage stronger, rather than coming between us. It has also made my faith stronger. Truly, while I don't understand His ways, I am more in love with my God than ever before. I feel Him closer. I hear Him whisper in that still, small voice, that He has great things in store for us, and to be at peace, and to trust. I don't expect Him to "make this up to us", but I know I will look back and be grateful for His perfect timing. And I am honored that He trusted Troy and I to walk this road and know that our faith in Him and our commitment to each other would not falter.
"But He knows the way that I take; when He has tested me, I will come forth as gold."
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
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