Me again -

I'm home alone on Good Friday night - Troy is out helping friends move, Hopey is in bed and haven't heard a peep (that girl is a rockstar sleeper!), I have watched my fair share of television, and just felt the need to write a bit. Life is awesome. Trials come of course, but what can you do? It has been 2 months since my second miscarriage, and while it was an easier healing time than the first, I still find myself thinking about that baby. I think it was a boy - is that crazy? From the time I found out I was pregnant, I had a feeling it was a boy, and even since then I have not been able to shake that feeling or thought. A part of me wants to name him, but the right name hasn't come to me. Maybe I wouldn't even share what that name was with anyone, but just something between my heart and the heart of the child I will someday meet in Heaven. Anyway, just something that has been on my mind lately.

Time marches on, and I continue to live by the verse I felt God gave me the day of the miscarriage - "Be joyful in Hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." It still is taped to my bathroom mirror as a daily reminder. My Hope is amazing - she is the most perfect gift I could have ever been trusted with. What a delightful child! She has 2 teeth now and is finally showing an interest in food - except peas and beans of course. Those still make her gag (can't say I blame her). She is such a good sleeper that we actually haven't gotten up during the night with her since she turned 2 months old. Amazing! Her personality is coming out, and she is hilarious. She is very social and loves to be around people, however only if the setting remains quiet. She has never liked loud noises, and still doesn't. She loves her dogs and being outside. She gives kisses now, which come in the form of wide open mouth pressed up against yours. I'll take it - can't get enough of those slobbery sweet kisses! I love going upstairs every morning to get Hope. She never wakes up crying, just talking, and very patiently waits for someone to come get her. Sometimes she is so happy to see me, she starts clapping - haha! Then when I pick her up, we hug, kiss, and she lays her head on my shoulder and pats my back. It is the best part of my day. I have a lump in my throat right now just remembering those sweet moments that I will forever cherish.

Here We Go Again...

Well, not even sure if anyone reads this anymore as I kind of left once Hope came, I went back to work, and life got busy. But, I feel the need to write again and let my soul do some healing. I started this blog after a painful miscarriage. Sadly enough, that is the same reason I am resuming now.

We had an early Christmas surprise about 5 weeks ago, in the form of 3 (yes, three) positive pregnancy tests. I couldn't believe it. I was IN SHOCK! And, I must confess, I panicked. Thoughts raced through my mind as I did the math and realized I would have 2 babies just 14 months apart. I immediately started thinking about things like, do we buy a second crib? Double stroller? Car seat was easy - we would just move Hope to a bigger one, and put the new baby in the one Hope has now. I laid awake nights wondering how I was going to do things like go to the grocery store, or hiking. Could I put Hope in a back pack and the new baby in a front pack? No, I decided my days of hiking alone with babies and dogs were over. Then I moved on to the next stage - excited and motivated. Excited to take on this challenge and the fact that I get to have another baby. Motivated to get our house in order and our finances in a place where I could stay home full time. I was feeling great, and excitement was mounting. Yes, it would be challenging, but we were up for the challenge. I told God, "Bring it on!".

I had my first ultrasound last Tuesday. We brought Hope with us, and Troy and I were giddy to see this new one's heartbeat. Since we had already dealt with a miscarriage, I was anxious to see my baby and know that everything was alright. I wasn't able to rest easy until that was done. The second my uterus was brought up on the screen, we knew there was a problem. Troy and I exchanged nervous glances across the room to each other and I knew we were having the same thought - there is no fluttering heart. The doctor kept calm, and I willed him to please keep looking. The baby must just be really, really good at hiding. After a few minutes of him pointing things out, minus what we really wanted to see, he said the dreaded words "okay, I'm going to turn this off and let's talk." I pretended to be strong. I sat there and nodded and nervously kept smiling at Troy and Hope. I stayed strong right up until we walked out of the doctor's office carrying some pamphlets from them. Usually we get an exciting packet of information regarding the dos and don'ts of pregnancy, but this time we had to leave that packet on the counter and instead they handed us two little booklets on miscarriage. I broke down in the hallway and sobbed into Troy's chest. If there is no baby, then why do I still feel pregnant? Why did I not have any symptoms that something was wrong? I should be 9 weeks, 2 days, today. Instead, my body is in the process of eliminating what is left of that very short life.

It's not fair. It's not fair that this happened a second time to us. It's not fair that we were surprised, let ourselves be excited, only to have it taken away. Again. Why us? Why does this happen to me? Why is it so hard for us to have children? But I look at Hope. She was worth every tear I cried the year and a half before she finally came to us. She was worth it all, and if she is the only one I ever get to have, she is more than I could have ever wanted. She is perfect and the light of my life. We just pray that we still can make her a big sister someday.

We will try again, but not like before. I'm going to go ahead and pack up my maternity clothes. I will focus on getting my body back in shape, and our finances more organized. I will enjoy every minute I have with my precious little girl. I will grieve the loss of another child, but I will heal, just like before. We will move on, though this little one will never be forgotten. Three pregnancies in two years, and only one baby. And she makes it all worth while.

Real Life

Well, my maternity leave is now up, and real life begins again on Monday. I have been dreading this moment since June 29th. It's been a perfect, wonderful, past 7 1/2 weeks and I have cherished every single minute. I love being with Hope and sometimes even want to wake her up from naps simply because I miss her. What a blessing to have gotten to spend so much time with her.

I still am very blessed. I will be going back to work 4 days/week, and Hope will be getting watched by family who loves her and will take good care of her. But it's still not the same as keeping her with me. No one will lover her like I do (hear that Hope???). I am so thankful for her and think I love her more every day. She is so sweet and innocent, it makes my heart hurt. I can not thank God enough for this precious gift He has given Troy and I.

As I type this I am watching her sleep in her swing. She has a little smile on her face and is still in her yellow duckie pajamas - so cute! Her hair is sticking up, of course, and her little hands are resting on her legs. I wonder what she is dreaming or if she is. I hope she feels safe and secure and loved. That is my prayer for her every day. I try to show her with my face and my actions how treasured she is. And that is the main word that comes to mind when I think about her. She is my treasure.

So if you think about it, please say a prayer for me Monday morning. It will be a tough, painful day, but I will live for the moment I can race out of work and hold my baby in my arms once again, and pray that she hasn't forgotten me while we were separated. I pray protection over her while she is not in my care, and the strength for me to do what I need to do, to give her a good life and good home. As i said, it's the day I have been dreading but I pray it will go better than anticipated, and maybe I will also be okay with her missing me like I will miss her.

Dear Hope -

I never knew I could love someone so much that I have only known a few weeks. I'm not even sure what your personality will be. But I am amazed at the depth of love I have for you. It is different than anything I have ever felt - a different kind of love than what I have for your daddy. I love to watch you and marvel at how your little tiny body moves. I love kissing your head and face over, and over, and over (you probably have noticed). You are one of the most beautiful things I have seen in my life. To be away from you literally makes my heart hurt. I have to leave you in a few weeks to go back to work, and I'm not even sure my heart can handle the pain.

I pray for you constantly, sweetheart. I pray protection over you. I pray that I will learn to cherish each moment with you, because they go by so fast. I cry because in no time at all you will no longer be my little tiny newborn, so innocent and dependent on me. I love when I am feeding you and you spend the whole time studying me with your beautiful eyes and face. I hate it when you cry - not because it's loud, but because it means something in you is hurt or distressed, and I can't stand to hear you be sad or hurt. The worst is when you clasp your little tiny hands in front of you while you cry - it rips my heart to see you do that.

You are so wonderful, and I am humbled that God gave your dad and I exactly what we desired. You are better than I could have hoped for, and even more amazing than I imagined. Always walk with Him, because I can't imagine watching you bring pain on yourself with poor decisions. May God grant us wisdom to raise you to be a Godly, obedient, young lady. You deserve the best, and I promise to do everything I can to give you that. I love you Hopey. More than you will ever, ever know.

Mommyhood -

Mommyhood is awesome! I love my baby. I love being home with her and taking care of her. Okay, and I will admit, I LOVE dressing her up! haha! Hope is 3 weeks old now, and doing absolutely great. She is such an easy baby - so passive and sweet. And a sleeper! This girl is practically sleeping through the night already! She is so very precious.

I still cry a lot, but my tears have changed. They are now tears of gratitude and love. God has trusted us with such a precious, precious, gift! However, I do cry for another reason too. I cry because I know this is the only time in her life that I can protect her from almost anything. No one is hurting her physically, no one is hurting her emotionally. She is oblivious to pain except maybe a hungry tummy, which we take care of immediately. I cry knowing that one day she will know pain - it is impossible to avoid. I cry that she has been born into an often scary and painful world. If I could keep her at this stage in life, I would. But, that just isn't how it works. And I am thankful that she is so healthy and will continue to grow and blossom, as God intended.

It's scary to love so much. And now two people walk around this earth carrying my heart - Troy and Hope. It's wonderful and terrible all at the same time. I have to rebuke the fear of losing either one of them. Instead, I must focus on the blessings of each day and the joyful times we have. Thank you Lord, with everything in me, for all that I have been given!

It's a Girl!!!!

I had my baby! And it's a girl!! She was born Wednesday, June 29th, at 1:36 in the afternoon. But I am getting ahead of myself. I want to write about the delivery, which may be boring to readers, but I want to chronicle it for myself and for her, before I forget those precious details.

Labor started for me at 7:30 pm Tuesday night. Troy and I had a very sweet "last evening" together. After we got home from work, we played laddergolf in the backyard, and also played with the dogs a little. Then we decided to get hamburgers from Outback, and I did a bit more house cleaning. I had been taking Ambien the last couple of weeks to help me sleep, but after dinner I told Troy that I was having a lot of contractions and I thought maybe we should time them for a while before I take my Ambien and go to sleep. So we began timing them around 8:00. I took a shower, we sat and watched tv, I folded laundry, and every time I had one I would tell Troy, he would check the time on his phone, and write it down. At 10:00 we tallied them up and realized that they had been running 2-5 minutes apart for over 2 hours. Time to call the doctor! I made the call, and as I suspected, they told me to go to labor and delivery and have them check me. It was exciting, but also scary. I didn't really think this was "it", but we packed everything up just in case. We were both quite calm, and just seeing what the night would bring. We only called my mom and my sister because we didn't want to get everyone excited and out of bed if it was only a false alarm.

We arrived at the hospital around 10:45, where I immediately had a crying meltdown. I was scared. Very, very scared. The nurses were so kind - they hugged me and said they understood being afraid. I kept telling Troy I missed my dogs and wanted to go home. They had me get into a gown and start walking the halls to see if this was the real deal or not. Around midnight, after a 30 minute walk around the hospital, I started bleeding and my cervix was continuing to dilate. So they told us this was probably it, and they were going to go ahead and admit me. We finally decided to call or text Troy's parents, my other sisters, and my boss, and let them know it would still be a long night, but they were keeping me there.

The labor really wasn't very bad for me during that night. The contractions were quite uncomfortable and painful, but nothing that was making me want any drugs. This was concerning to me since I know I don't have a real high pain tolerance. Well, at 5:30 am my water broke, and that was when everything really started to happen! I tried getting into the spa bath for a while, which was nice in between contractions, but by then they were getting so bad that nothing was feeling good. At 7:30, I felt like I couldn't take it any more, and was too tired to keep going, so I gave in and asked (okay, demanded) for an epidural. Now, I am terrified of needles, so you know I was in a lot of pain if it was worth it to me to get an IV, as well as the epidural. By the time everything was in and set up and I started to feel relief, it was around 8:30. Since I had now been laboring over 12 hours, the doctor said they just wanted me to get some sleep, and rest up for the pushing part. They also wanted to let the baby drop as low as possible because I learned that I have a narrow pelvis, potentially making delivery tricky. The next 4 1/2 hours were WONDERFUL! Troy got to go home, change, check on dogs, and take a nap. My sister did the same, and my mom stayed with me. I dozed, happily chatted with whoever came in to check on me, and thanked the anesthesiologist over and over for putting me out of my hell, er, misery. I could have laid there all day!

At 1:00 pm, I was dilated to ten, full effaced, and baby's head was low. It was time to deliver! The baby was starting to show signs of distress (heart rate would drop after each contraction), and they wanted to get her out. I will never forget my feelings the moment the doctor came in with all her scrubs on, they brought in the warmer and two pediatric nurses, the big light came on above me, and I was told this was it. I was excited, a little scared, and everything just seemed surreal. I could feel the pressure of the contractions, but not the pain, so they coached me that with each contraction I was to take 2 deep, slow breaths, and then put my chin to my chest and push 3 times with everything I had. I did it a few times, but did not feel like I was accomplishing anything, so I asked if I could watch. My sister held a mirror for me, and it really helped to see what my pushing was doing. The baby's heart rate continued to drop, so there was a new urgency to get her out asap. At one point they paged another one of the doctors for help and he came in with all his surgical gear on with even more nurses (my, there were a lot of people in my room!), but in answer to prayer, the baby "rallied" and it looked like I could get her out without any additional help. At 1:36, she came out, was immediately laid up on my chest, and the doctor said "okay Dad, what is it?", to which Troy responded, "um, a girl?". Hee hee! Yes indeed, I got my girl that I had been praying for and believed all along was in my tummy! She was finally here! Beautiful, healthy, and with more hair than I had on my first birthday! She is perfect.

They asked us, "does she have a name?". Yes, my sweetheart is named Hope. Hope Jalyn. She has been the hope that carried us through after the heartbreak of a miscarriage, the struggle to conceive, the pain of other losses experienced in 2010, and the fear of miscarriage with her. "Hope is born of suffering." We suffered last year, but we always had hope. And now, I was finally holding her in my arms. What a great gift we have been given. What a perfect child we have been trusted with. June 29, 2011. One of the best days of my life, only to be compared with my wedding day. I received my daughter, and had the love of my life beside me the whole time. She is worth every tear I cried as I waited for her - the same way I feel about her father. I had a wonderful experience and can hardly wait to do it all again.... but we'll cross that bridge in a year or two!

"May the God of Hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him..."

One of My Last Nights Ever -

Home alone with Troy, just us and our dogs, in a quiet, clean house, not worried about the whereabouts of our child. I am 39 weeks 1 day, dilated to 4, with baby's head so low it was able to be touched by the doctor. Any day, any hour, any minute now. Every night we go to bed wondering if we will get a full night's sleep or if we are going to be awakened by labor. Every morning I wake up wondering if this day is the day. Our family members don't go anywhere without their cell phones, and I receive numerous texts and calls throughout the day wondering if there is any new activity to report. And every time I walk into work, I see a very apparent look of relief come over my boss' face.

Today has been a wonderful day - Troy and I got to be together ALL DAY! Sadly, I don't know the last time that has happened for us. And he has been so sweet to serve me, doing things around the house and overall just being with me, which is what I want. I am extra clingy to him these days. I'm just so nervous for the changes about to happen, and he is such a strong support system for me, calming me down in my moments of hysteria and reassuring me that we are doing the right thing. Oh how I love him!

There is an end in sight though. No really, we know this child is getting evicted Friday, at the latest. I struggled a little bit with the idea of setting an inducement date, however we have several reasons for doing it. I only have 6 weeks of maternity leave, and it is getting too hard and uncomfortable to work for much longer. So I told my employer that next week will be the start of my leave, regardless if I am still pregnant. I don't want to waste a week or two just waiting for baby, and then only have 4 weeks home with him or her before having to return. Also, we are coming up on a long holiday weekend, and it worked well for Troy's work schedule to be home with me, as well as the fact that we wouldn't chance missing our doctor over the holiday weekend. However, all will be surprised if we even make it until next Friday (my actual due date!), since my body is so close to going into labor on it's own.

The reason I feel kind of bad turning to the inducing process is because I really do believe that God ordains all our days, beginning with the day we enter this world, and a part of me feels guilty for messing with that. Not that I think I could really mess up God's plan for our child, but still. I would always wonder. So as nice and controlled as the induction sounds, I pray that I go into labor on my own before then. Also because I am so uncomfortable that every day that goes by I continue to get more and more cranky!

I have another pre-natal appointment (last one!) Monday morning, and I am hoping they say I have progressed. Hard to believe that life as I know it is about to be forever altered. From what I hear, this baby will come out, and then my heart will forever walk around outside of my body. Am I ready to be so vulnerable and love someone so much? I believe it is my destiny. I believe this child is the exact person God intended to be in our family. And above all else, I have to believe that everything will be even better than we could have ever imagined, including life with a new family member.