Me again -

I'm home alone on Good Friday night - Troy is out helping friends move, Hopey is in bed and haven't heard a peep (that girl is a rockstar sleeper!), I have watched my fair share of television, and just felt the need to write a bit. Life is awesome. Trials come of course, but what can you do? It has been 2 months since my second miscarriage, and while it was an easier healing time than the first, I still find myself thinking about that baby. I think it was a boy - is that crazy? From the time I found out I was pregnant, I had a feeling it was a boy, and even since then I have not been able to shake that feeling or thought. A part of me wants to name him, but the right name hasn't come to me. Maybe I wouldn't even share what that name was with anyone, but just something between my heart and the heart of the child I will someday meet in Heaven. Anyway, just something that has been on my mind lately.

Time marches on, and I continue to live by the verse I felt God gave me the day of the miscarriage - "Be joyful in Hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." It still is taped to my bathroom mirror as a daily reminder. My Hope is amazing - she is the most perfect gift I could have ever been trusted with. What a delightful child! She has 2 teeth now and is finally showing an interest in food - except peas and beans of course. Those still make her gag (can't say I blame her). She is such a good sleeper that we actually haven't gotten up during the night with her since she turned 2 months old. Amazing! Her personality is coming out, and she is hilarious. She is very social and loves to be around people, however only if the setting remains quiet. She has never liked loud noises, and still doesn't. She loves her dogs and being outside. She gives kisses now, which come in the form of wide open mouth pressed up against yours. I'll take it - can't get enough of those slobbery sweet kisses! I love going upstairs every morning to get Hope. She never wakes up crying, just talking, and very patiently waits for someone to come get her. Sometimes she is so happy to see me, she starts clapping - haha! Then when I pick her up, we hug, kiss, and she lays her head on my shoulder and pats my back. It is the best part of my day. I have a lump in my throat right now just remembering those sweet moments that I will forever cherish.

Here We Go Again...

Well, not even sure if anyone reads this anymore as I kind of left once Hope came, I went back to work, and life got busy. But, I feel the need to write again and let my soul do some healing. I started this blog after a painful miscarriage. Sadly enough, that is the same reason I am resuming now.

We had an early Christmas surprise about 5 weeks ago, in the form of 3 (yes, three) positive pregnancy tests. I couldn't believe it. I was IN SHOCK! And, I must confess, I panicked. Thoughts raced through my mind as I did the math and realized I would have 2 babies just 14 months apart. I immediately started thinking about things like, do we buy a second crib? Double stroller? Car seat was easy - we would just move Hope to a bigger one, and put the new baby in the one Hope has now. I laid awake nights wondering how I was going to do things like go to the grocery store, or hiking. Could I put Hope in a back pack and the new baby in a front pack? No, I decided my days of hiking alone with babies and dogs were over. Then I moved on to the next stage - excited and motivated. Excited to take on this challenge and the fact that I get to have another baby. Motivated to get our house in order and our finances in a place where I could stay home full time. I was feeling great, and excitement was mounting. Yes, it would be challenging, but we were up for the challenge. I told God, "Bring it on!".

I had my first ultrasound last Tuesday. We brought Hope with us, and Troy and I were giddy to see this new one's heartbeat. Since we had already dealt with a miscarriage, I was anxious to see my baby and know that everything was alright. I wasn't able to rest easy until that was done. The second my uterus was brought up on the screen, we knew there was a problem. Troy and I exchanged nervous glances across the room to each other and I knew we were having the same thought - there is no fluttering heart. The doctor kept calm, and I willed him to please keep looking. The baby must just be really, really good at hiding. After a few minutes of him pointing things out, minus what we really wanted to see, he said the dreaded words "okay, I'm going to turn this off and let's talk." I pretended to be strong. I sat there and nodded and nervously kept smiling at Troy and Hope. I stayed strong right up until we walked out of the doctor's office carrying some pamphlets from them. Usually we get an exciting packet of information regarding the dos and don'ts of pregnancy, but this time we had to leave that packet on the counter and instead they handed us two little booklets on miscarriage. I broke down in the hallway and sobbed into Troy's chest. If there is no baby, then why do I still feel pregnant? Why did I not have any symptoms that something was wrong? I should be 9 weeks, 2 days, today. Instead, my body is in the process of eliminating what is left of that very short life.

It's not fair. It's not fair that this happened a second time to us. It's not fair that we were surprised, let ourselves be excited, only to have it taken away. Again. Why us? Why does this happen to me? Why is it so hard for us to have children? But I look at Hope. She was worth every tear I cried the year and a half before she finally came to us. She was worth it all, and if she is the only one I ever get to have, she is more than I could have ever wanted. She is perfect and the light of my life. We just pray that we still can make her a big sister someday.

We will try again, but not like before. I'm going to go ahead and pack up my maternity clothes. I will focus on getting my body back in shape, and our finances more organized. I will enjoy every minute I have with my precious little girl. I will grieve the loss of another child, but I will heal, just like before. We will move on, though this little one will never be forgotten. Three pregnancies in two years, and only one baby. And she makes it all worth while.