Here We Go Again...

Well, not even sure if anyone reads this anymore as I kind of left once Hope came, I went back to work, and life got busy. But, I feel the need to write again and let my soul do some healing. I started this blog after a painful miscarriage. Sadly enough, that is the same reason I am resuming now.

We had an early Christmas surprise about 5 weeks ago, in the form of 3 (yes, three) positive pregnancy tests. I couldn't believe it. I was IN SHOCK! And, I must confess, I panicked. Thoughts raced through my mind as I did the math and realized I would have 2 babies just 14 months apart. I immediately started thinking about things like, do we buy a second crib? Double stroller? Car seat was easy - we would just move Hope to a bigger one, and put the new baby in the one Hope has now. I laid awake nights wondering how I was going to do things like go to the grocery store, or hiking. Could I put Hope in a back pack and the new baby in a front pack? No, I decided my days of hiking alone with babies and dogs were over. Then I moved on to the next stage - excited and motivated. Excited to take on this challenge and the fact that I get to have another baby. Motivated to get our house in order and our finances in a place where I could stay home full time. I was feeling great, and excitement was mounting. Yes, it would be challenging, but we were up for the challenge. I told God, "Bring it on!".

I had my first ultrasound last Tuesday. We brought Hope with us, and Troy and I were giddy to see this new one's heartbeat. Since we had already dealt with a miscarriage, I was anxious to see my baby and know that everything was alright. I wasn't able to rest easy until that was done. The second my uterus was brought up on the screen, we knew there was a problem. Troy and I exchanged nervous glances across the room to each other and I knew we were having the same thought - there is no fluttering heart. The doctor kept calm, and I willed him to please keep looking. The baby must just be really, really good at hiding. After a few minutes of him pointing things out, minus what we really wanted to see, he said the dreaded words "okay, I'm going to turn this off and let's talk." I pretended to be strong. I sat there and nodded and nervously kept smiling at Troy and Hope. I stayed strong right up until we walked out of the doctor's office carrying some pamphlets from them. Usually we get an exciting packet of information regarding the dos and don'ts of pregnancy, but this time we had to leave that packet on the counter and instead they handed us two little booklets on miscarriage. I broke down in the hallway and sobbed into Troy's chest. If there is no baby, then why do I still feel pregnant? Why did I not have any symptoms that something was wrong? I should be 9 weeks, 2 days, today. Instead, my body is in the process of eliminating what is left of that very short life.

It's not fair. It's not fair that this happened a second time to us. It's not fair that we were surprised, let ourselves be excited, only to have it taken away. Again. Why us? Why does this happen to me? Why is it so hard for us to have children? But I look at Hope. She was worth every tear I cried the year and a half before she finally came to us. She was worth it all, and if she is the only one I ever get to have, she is more than I could have ever wanted. She is perfect and the light of my life. We just pray that we still can make her a big sister someday.

We will try again, but not like before. I'm going to go ahead and pack up my maternity clothes. I will focus on getting my body back in shape, and our finances more organized. I will enjoy every minute I have with my precious little girl. I will grieve the loss of another child, but I will heal, just like before. We will move on, though this little one will never be forgotten. Three pregnancies in two years, and only one baby. And she makes it all worth while.