Well, it's been a while since I have written on here. Life has been.... busy! My new niece and nephew arrived from Ethiopia (LOVE them!), I took a trip to Cincinnati to visit my BFF (love her too!), and throughout the business I have continued to walk through the loss of my Gramps. I would love to say that in the midst of all that, I got pregnant again, but unfortunately that has not been the case.
Recently I have struggled with the fact that life is not fair. A good example is a lady I know who was surprised to find that she is pregnant. She is not sure if she's excited about it, and has yet to kick her smoking habit as well as other things that are not good for the baby, giving the appearance of feeling apathetic about the pregnancy. A part of me wants to say "really God? this person who doesn't want another child gets pregnant, and I can't?". It makes me want to cry. It makes me want to scream. It's. Not. Fair. But what do mothers tell their children from about the age of 1? "Life's not fair."
What a no-fun lesson to learn! But it's true. I feel like God must get tired of teaching me to be more gracious and patient. I really am trying Lord! Maybe one of these days I will actually pass. I can tell that for each month I'm not pregnant, it gets a little harder to be happy for others who are. And that makes me feel ashamed. I should not have to force myself to smile and say "congrats!", it should be effortless. Although, I really am happy for them! Just sad and a bit jealous that it isn't me. And also confused. Confused why now doesn't seem to be in God's timing for me to get pregnant.
I daily work on my attitude, and I am thankful that through all of my losses, disappointments, and struggles these past 6 months, I have a faithful God I can turn to, and a supportive husband who patiently holds me and lets me cry and vent as much as I need to. I still am a very blessed woman and have much to be thankful. Even when life isn't fair.
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I struggle so much with this one too! I spend a whole lot of time comparing my lot in life to others...why did God give us such an ill child? Why didn't my pregnancy go like it was supposed to? Why did I almost die because of it? Why did we have to endure the hell of the NICU when others left day after day with their healthy chubby babies? Why does our son have to be disabled? Many days I think and think and think about these questions.
ReplyDeleteOn better days when I have checked my crappy attitude at the door, I have thoughts like - I can't believe our son survived being born so early when others usually die! And I am so thankful for recovering and being ALIVE after giving birth! And how come we are so blessed to have such a happy, smiley baby boy? And dreaming about God's amazing plan for our life and our son's life.
I've come to realize it's all in my attitude and perspective. Yes we have had such a rough go at it, but it could be worse. And even if it never gets better, God is still God. He works for my good (even if heaven is where it will finally get "good"!)
Keep your chin up cause I just know God has awesome things in store for you!
Serena,
ReplyDeleteYou're always so pleasant & happy...I never see you wallowing in self-pity, a very good example.
Love you,
Katrina