Tomorrow. The date is a unique one for me now. Tomorrow would have been my due date. Or, was my due date I guess. Time goes so fast I can't believe it has already been almost 8 months since the fun surprise of seeing that immediate positive sign show up on the home pregnancy test. I think about that night a lot, and all the emotions I had. Fear, excitement, surprise, awe. Every month since then I have begged God to let me feel that again. And I guess in a way I have.
Fear - I'm afraid I'll never have the family I have dreamed about since I was a little girl playing with Cabbage Patch dolls. Afraid I am finally going to get pregnant again, only to lose it again. Afraid of more pain in my future.
Excitement - I AM excited to see what God has for me, because it must be SOMETHING! What is He preparing me for? What does He know that I have yet to find out? Surely He wouldn't have created me to be this way if I was never to have children, right?
Surprise - Surprises aren't always fun - I continue to feel surprised that I am not with child yet. But also surprised by the love I feel for my husband, and the joy and contentment I have most days of knowing that at this time our family consists of just the 2 of us with 3 goofy dogs who make me laugh.
Awe - I am awed at how good and gracious my God is to me. I really am thankful for my life and awed by the blessings I have. I do not deserve any of them.
So, tomorrow brings with it it's own mix of emotions. Truthfully, I will probably shed a few tears tomorrow. For what I lost and for what might have been. For the unfairness of life and the pain that comes with reality and growing up. For the frustration of not knowing what God wants from me as I wait for a dream fulfilled. Maybe this is all I will have? Am I ready to accept that if it is? Am I spoiled or ungrateful if I continue to ask for more, or is that what God wants me to do? Jesus, what do you want from this heart of mine???
Yes, dear little one who lived for such a short time in my tummy, I think about you a lot. I still miss you. I wonder what your purpose was, and why I never got to meet you. I wonder how it is you came about in the first place and why we can't seem to recreate that. I wonder if you really are with my Gramps or how all that works. I believe you were a life at conception and I will probably always continue to wonder about you until the day I can ask God himself. And, I will never forget you. You changed something inside of me and I'm not sure yet if I am grateful for it, or resentful. Sometimes I do wish I had never known your existence. I didn't know how much I wanted you until you were gone, and sent me on a path I still am walking, waiting to see where it leads.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Monday, September 6, 2010
Two Years!
Wow, it has already been two years since my wonderful, exciting, fun, joyful wedding day! I loved our wedding - kind of a bummer that you only get to do it once. As usual, there are always a few things that looking back I think I would change. My veil, for example. I loved my veil, but it was longer than I wanted, and in my photos it is sometimes hard to look at because it bugs me so badly. Another HUGE regret is our photographer. He is a very nice person, and very good at taking portraits, but that was not the kind of pictures I wanted for our wedding. It's been two years, and I still have not ordered any pictures because it makes me cry to look at them - not in a good way. I know as time goes by and life goes on, I will care less, but for now it is still a painful regret.
Things we did for our wedding that I did love and would not change? My dress! I looooooved my dress and felt like a princess in it. Same with all of my accessories - loved my shoes, my head piece (made by a patient and purchased for $25.00), and my jewelry. I wore the pearl necklace that my father gave my mother for their wedding, and was worn by my sister at her wedding, as well as my sister-in-law. Very special. I wore something old (necklace), something new (dress), something borrowed (also necklace), and something blue (a garter). It was so fun and special to be a bride!
We had a huge wedding but I loved it. As I said to Troy just yesterday, "Hey, you only do it once - might as well make it big!". Truthfully, when it came time for our ceremony, and we were up on the stage with just our attendants and my uncle who performed the ceremony, I was not aware of anyone else in the room. It seemed like it was only Troy and I, exchanging our vows and making a lifelong promise to stand beside each other, for better or for worse.
And, we have had to work to keep those vows. Most days it's easy. I would say, 99/100 days it's easy. But over the last 2 years, we certainly have had to work harder some days. Particularly, the last 8 months. In the last 8 months we have faced financial stress due to the economy, a miscarriage, the struggle to get pregnant again, deaths including my grandfather, and learning to deal with homeownership, particularly when things go wrong. Believe me, there have been days that I thought "wow, marriage is harder than I thought it would be!". But most days I also have the thought "wow, marriage is even better than I thought it would be!". I am blessed to have a man who serves me joyfully, is faithful physically, emotionally, and mentally to me alone, desires to be the husband God has created him to be, and even on our worst days he holds me and tells me he loves me. And then I know that we can work through anything. As long as we make faithfulness to each other and to God above everything else, we can make it. And not just "survive' marriage, but thrive and enjoy it.
Two years has flown by and I am so happy. Happy to have a man perfectly created for me, and to be the wife of a man so wonderful. I love him more than anything except my God, and can't wait to write about our third happy year together! Happy anniversary Troy! I love you and thank you for choosing me to be your wife!
Things we did for our wedding that I did love and would not change? My dress! I looooooved my dress and felt like a princess in it. Same with all of my accessories - loved my shoes, my head piece (made by a patient and purchased for $25.00), and my jewelry. I wore the pearl necklace that my father gave my mother for their wedding, and was worn by my sister at her wedding, as well as my sister-in-law. Very special. I wore something old (necklace), something new (dress), something borrowed (also necklace), and something blue (a garter). It was so fun and special to be a bride!
We had a huge wedding but I loved it. As I said to Troy just yesterday, "Hey, you only do it once - might as well make it big!". Truthfully, when it came time for our ceremony, and we were up on the stage with just our attendants and my uncle who performed the ceremony, I was not aware of anyone else in the room. It seemed like it was only Troy and I, exchanging our vows and making a lifelong promise to stand beside each other, for better or for worse.
And, we have had to work to keep those vows. Most days it's easy. I would say, 99/100 days it's easy. But over the last 2 years, we certainly have had to work harder some days. Particularly, the last 8 months. In the last 8 months we have faced financial stress due to the economy, a miscarriage, the struggle to get pregnant again, deaths including my grandfather, and learning to deal with homeownership, particularly when things go wrong. Believe me, there have been days that I thought "wow, marriage is harder than I thought it would be!". But most days I also have the thought "wow, marriage is even better than I thought it would be!". I am blessed to have a man who serves me joyfully, is faithful physically, emotionally, and mentally to me alone, desires to be the husband God has created him to be, and even on our worst days he holds me and tells me he loves me. And then I know that we can work through anything. As long as we make faithfulness to each other and to God above everything else, we can make it. And not just "survive' marriage, but thrive and enjoy it.
Two years has flown by and I am so happy. Happy to have a man perfectly created for me, and to be the wife of a man so wonderful. I love him more than anything except my God, and can't wait to write about our third happy year together! Happy anniversary Troy! I love you and thank you for choosing me to be your wife!
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