September 26th -

Tomorrow. The date is a unique one for me now. Tomorrow would have been my due date. Or, was my due date I guess. Time goes so fast I can't believe it has already been almost 8 months since the fun surprise of seeing that immediate positive sign show up on the home pregnancy test. I think about that night a lot, and all the emotions I had. Fear, excitement, surprise, awe. Every month since then I have begged God to let me feel that again. And I guess in a way I have.

Fear - I'm afraid I'll never have the family I have dreamed about since I was a little girl playing with Cabbage Patch dolls. Afraid I am finally going to get pregnant again, only to lose it again. Afraid of more pain in my future.

Excitement - I AM excited to see what God has for me, because it must be SOMETHING! What is He preparing me for? What does He know that I have yet to find out? Surely He wouldn't have created me to be this way if I was never to have children, right?

Surprise - Surprises aren't always fun - I continue to feel surprised that I am not with child yet. But also surprised by the love I feel for my husband, and the joy and contentment I have most days of knowing that at this time our family consists of just the 2 of us with 3 goofy dogs who make me laugh.

Awe - I am awed at how good and gracious my God is to me. I really am thankful for my life and awed by the blessings I have. I do not deserve any of them.

So, tomorrow brings with it it's own mix of emotions. Truthfully, I will probably shed a few tears tomorrow. For what I lost and for what might have been. For the unfairness of life and the pain that comes with reality and growing up. For the frustration of not knowing what God wants from me as I wait for a dream fulfilled. Maybe this is all I will have? Am I ready to accept that if it is? Am I spoiled or ungrateful if I continue to ask for more, or is that what God wants me to do? Jesus, what do you want from this heart of mine???

Yes, dear little one who lived for such a short time in my tummy, I think about you a lot. I still miss you. I wonder what your purpose was, and why I never got to meet you. I wonder how it is you came about in the first place and why we can't seem to recreate that. I wonder if you really are with my Gramps or how all that works. I believe you were a life at conception and I will probably always continue to wonder about you until the day I can ask God himself. And, I will never forget you. You changed something inside of me and I'm not sure yet if I am grateful for it, or resentful. Sometimes I do wish I had never known your existence. I didn't know how much I wanted you until you were gone, and sent me on a path I still am walking, waiting to see where it leads.