Change is SCARY!!!!

At least, for me it is. I don't do well with change. I never have. I remember when I was young, crying because my parents got rid of a beloved red sofa and chair. I didn't want new furniture, i wanted the same old familiar couch that I used to sit on the back of and pretend it was my horse (oh yes, there are pictures!). I cried when my dad sold one of our cars. Every time. It didn't matter that we would get a new, possibly nicer one. I wanted the OLD one. It was change, and I hated it.

Two years ago my parents did a huge remodel of their home, and, you guessed it - I cried. It was tough. Sometimes it still is. I'm very nostalgic you see, and sometimes I want to go back to my old bedroom and remember "the good old days", but I can't. It's gone. Oh, I understand the reality of everything, and how change is necessary, but it doesn't mean that it is easy for me to handle. Sometimes Troy wants to rearrange the furniture and that baffles me. Why change it? The furniture is great the way it is. I know where everything is at and my little comfort zone doesn't have to be pushed.

So, occasionally, and lately, I have panic attacks. You see, my life is on the brink of one of the most massive changes EVER!!! I'm. Having. A. Baby. A BABY!!! A child. I'll be someone's mother. A little person that is forever linked to me. It won't just be about me and Troy anymore. No more doing what WE want, when we want. No more just throwing the dogs into the car and going for a drive. No more (*tears*) sleeping in as late as we want!!! Ach! So scary!

Of course it's what I want, and everyone says it will be the best thing we've done, but it still is terrifying. From financial stress to the responsibility of being in charge of another human being, more than anything it is CHANGING my life. Forever. What if I give everything to this child and one day it turns around and tells me it hates me? What if our personalities don't click and my own flesh and blood annoys the heck out of me? Does this ever happen?

I just pray that God will prepare me as best He can for this massive change and that I will daily remain thankful for it. It's strange to even see how my body is changing. I share it now. I think about what I put into my mouth, and even what I say. Little ears are listening now, or at least will be soon. I want it to always know that even though change is so scary for it's mommy, this life was prayed for and wanted. And I pray also that God will help me prepare for the ever-moving roller coaster we are just getting started on!