One of My Last Nights Ever -

Home alone with Troy, just us and our dogs, in a quiet, clean house, not worried about the whereabouts of our child. I am 39 weeks 1 day, dilated to 4, with baby's head so low it was able to be touched by the doctor. Any day, any hour, any minute now. Every night we go to bed wondering if we will get a full night's sleep or if we are going to be awakened by labor. Every morning I wake up wondering if this day is the day. Our family members don't go anywhere without their cell phones, and I receive numerous texts and calls throughout the day wondering if there is any new activity to report. And every time I walk into work, I see a very apparent look of relief come over my boss' face.

Today has been a wonderful day - Troy and I got to be together ALL DAY! Sadly, I don't know the last time that has happened for us. And he has been so sweet to serve me, doing things around the house and overall just being with me, which is what I want. I am extra clingy to him these days. I'm just so nervous for the changes about to happen, and he is such a strong support system for me, calming me down in my moments of hysteria and reassuring me that we are doing the right thing. Oh how I love him!

There is an end in sight though. No really, we know this child is getting evicted Friday, at the latest. I struggled a little bit with the idea of setting an inducement date, however we have several reasons for doing it. I only have 6 weeks of maternity leave, and it is getting too hard and uncomfortable to work for much longer. So I told my employer that next week will be the start of my leave, regardless if I am still pregnant. I don't want to waste a week or two just waiting for baby, and then only have 4 weeks home with him or her before having to return. Also, we are coming up on a long holiday weekend, and it worked well for Troy's work schedule to be home with me, as well as the fact that we wouldn't chance missing our doctor over the holiday weekend. However, all will be surprised if we even make it until next Friday (my actual due date!), since my body is so close to going into labor on it's own.

The reason I feel kind of bad turning to the inducing process is because I really do believe that God ordains all our days, beginning with the day we enter this world, and a part of me feels guilty for messing with that. Not that I think I could really mess up God's plan for our child, but still. I would always wonder. So as nice and controlled as the induction sounds, I pray that I go into labor on my own before then. Also because I am so uncomfortable that every day that goes by I continue to get more and more cranky!

I have another pre-natal appointment (last one!) Monday morning, and I am hoping they say I have progressed. Hard to believe that life as I know it is about to be forever altered. From what I hear, this baby will come out, and then my heart will forever walk around outside of my body. Am I ready to be so vulnerable and love someone so much? I believe it is my destiny. I believe this child is the exact person God intended to be in our family. And above all else, I have to believe that everything will be even better than we could have ever imagined, including life with a new family member.