My favorite, favorite, time of year is right around the corner! Thanks to Montana weather, I even got to wear a sweater today! I love Fall so much, I get silly giddy and my stomach does little flip-flops! Summer is fine and is fun, but when a person works full-time, it's not as much fun. I like summer evenings, and I like when I have a free weekend day and can spend it with all my family out at my parents' house, but other than that it really doesn't do much for me any more. I haven't been to the fair in years, did not even put a swimming suit on this year, and there are no summer vacations for us. So, as I said, it really does nothing for me.
Fall though! Now we're talking! Beautiful color changes outside, dark cozy mornings and evenings, bright, crisp, blue sky wihout uncomfortable heat, and the SMELLS! Oh, wonderful! I think for me, I love the coziness of it all. I love putting on pants and a soft sweater when getting ready for work in the mornings. I love getting to the office and making a big cup of hot coffee or cider, and sitting down at my desk and turning the space heater on. I love to go home for lunch and put something yummy in the crock pot like chili, or stew, or chicken and rice, so that the house smells divine when we get home after work! I love bundling up a bit and taking a walk, then coming home and putting pajamas on, lighting candles that smell like pumpkin or spices, and cuddling on the couch with my hubby and dogs to play cribbage or watch tv.
I love the anticipation and excitement of the upcoming holidays. Yes, even Halloween! I love getting pumpkins, decorating the house with them and leaves, and watching the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown classic! Then after Halloween comes Thanksgiving, which is a whole other blog, as is Christmas!!! I am pretty much giddy from September through December. I love it!
Proof that even though tears may last for a night, there will always be some joy that comes in the morning, and always something to look forward to. God is gracious to me. I don't know what my future holds, but I know the One who holds my future (yes, I stole that line). He is more faithful than the changing seasons, and keeps all His promises. Today I am feeling full of joy and looking forward to this next season with great anticipation. Both literally and figuratively :-)
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Tough Days -
Yesterday was a hard day for my heart. We went to my grandfather and step-grandmother's house in Lincoln to fulfill one of my Gramps' last wishes - that the family would get together for a big steak dinner and remember him. And laugh. Well, we did laugh. But also cried. His wife had a lot of his clothes and some special belongings out for us to look at and hopefully take home with us. I lost it when I picked up a bathrobe of his and smelled it. It smelled like him and just about every memory I had of him came rushing back in that moment. That bathrobe came home with us and I wore it all last night and some of this morning. I didn't put it back on after my shower because I did not want it to smell like my lotion. i want it to smell like Gramps for as long as possible. My husband is built similar to my Gramps so he has been able to keep and wear some of his shoes, shirts, and hats. I love seeing them on him, yet it is also so strange. Death is so hard. What would a person do without the hope of Heaven? Without the peace that you will someday see your loved ones, providing they have acknowledged Christ as their Savior?
Yesterday also marked another month not pregnant. Worse than that, we had a false positive earlier in the week, so I feel like my heart is extra crushed. I want a baby so badly. Its so consuming that I no longer can just fall asleep at night. Instead I lie awake and beg God to put a life inside me. I cry quietly so my husband won't know how much it consumes my every thought and prayer. I think about how I would be close to giving birth if I had not miscarried back in January. I wonder if we will ever have the opportunity to use our extra bedrooms in this house, or how much "help" we are going to need to fulfill this girl's life-long dreams. And if they ever will be fulfilled. I try to imagine what it would be like to never have children and if I could handle that. Or what if we have opportunity to adopt but I never experience pregnancy. Could I be okay with that? It makes me realize, I don't JUST want a child - I want to experience pregnancy and the marvel of watching God take Troy's and my DNA and create a new life. Maybe I still would someday adopt, but I know that I do absolutely want to experience the joy, sickness, fear, fatigue, and everything else that comes with being pregnant. I did have it for a few weeks, and I LOVED every moment of it. I had just a taste, but I want more than that.
So, blame hormones, but it has been a weepy weekend for me. I try to always be happy, but when Troy asked me how I felt last night, all I could honestly say was "sad". I was sad. I was missing my grandfather, hating death, and mourning the fact that my womb is empty. I know it is all a part of life, and believe me, I KNOW I have much to be grateful for! But sometimes, I just have a tough day. And yesterday was one of them.
Yesterday also marked another month not pregnant. Worse than that, we had a false positive earlier in the week, so I feel like my heart is extra crushed. I want a baby so badly. Its so consuming that I no longer can just fall asleep at night. Instead I lie awake and beg God to put a life inside me. I cry quietly so my husband won't know how much it consumes my every thought and prayer. I think about how I would be close to giving birth if I had not miscarried back in January. I wonder if we will ever have the opportunity to use our extra bedrooms in this house, or how much "help" we are going to need to fulfill this girl's life-long dreams. And if they ever will be fulfilled. I try to imagine what it would be like to never have children and if I could handle that. Or what if we have opportunity to adopt but I never experience pregnancy. Could I be okay with that? It makes me realize, I don't JUST want a child - I want to experience pregnancy and the marvel of watching God take Troy's and my DNA and create a new life. Maybe I still would someday adopt, but I know that I do absolutely want to experience the joy, sickness, fear, fatigue, and everything else that comes with being pregnant. I did have it for a few weeks, and I LOVED every moment of it. I had just a taste, but I want more than that.
So, blame hormones, but it has been a weepy weekend for me. I try to always be happy, but when Troy asked me how I felt last night, all I could honestly say was "sad". I was sad. I was missing my grandfather, hating death, and mourning the fact that my womb is empty. I know it is all a part of life, and believe me, I KNOW I have much to be grateful for! But sometimes, I just have a tough day. And yesterday was one of them.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Slacker!
Okay, I am a slacker at this blogging thing lately!!! Definitely a few things of interest have happened lately. NO, I'm not pregnant :-( But sadly my baby bug does seem to be increasing. *sigh* Patience is SO HARD!!! I sit and wonder why it is that some women get pregnant at the drop of a hat, and others, like me, have to work so hard for it. Then of course it isn't just about getting pregnant, but also praying that once you are pregnant you make it 9 months without anything happening. Or even 8 months. I have to believe that it is God's plan for us to have children when His timing is perfect. But oh, my heart aches every time I see a woman with a baby or a cute little pregnant belly. Sometimes it feels like someone is literally taking my heart and squeezing it super tight. Sometimes it gets squeezed so tight that tears leak out of my eyes!
I have started the supplements the doctor gave me, but one month in it has seemed that it's not doing what it is supposed to. They want me to come back in and do further testing but I have decided to wait a couple of months before doing that. First off, I am not ready to put $300 down for it, and secondly, I emotionally feel like I need a break before starting a whole new procedure. And I guess thirdly, I still believe that God can heal my body without having to do expensive testing and procedures, and I want to give Him time to do that. Perhaps we still will have to continue on with medical help, but I will make that decision in another month or so.
Meanwhile, I can't help but think that I would have been 8 months pregnant now. Such a strange thought. And I never dreamed that it would take this long before getting pregnant again. I truly thought I would have spent this summer planning for a baby, even after the miscarriage. It would be easy for me to wallow in self-pity but I really do work to enjoy all the other blessings my life has right now, even without a baby. I still am blessed, and the easiest way to keep your heart from becoming hard and angry is to maintain a thankful attitude. Life certainly could be much worse!!!
Our 2-year anniversary is coming up next weekend and I am so thankful for the wonderful man who stands beside me and puts up with all my emotional drama (thank you hormones!). But I know myself and I know that I won't quit praying that at our 3 year anniversary our family will have expanded to more than just another new dog (oh yes, we did!). Because, as discouraged as I get, I still am an eternal optimist who believes my God gives us the desires of hearts! So, twins then Lord? ;-)
I have started the supplements the doctor gave me, but one month in it has seemed that it's not doing what it is supposed to. They want me to come back in and do further testing but I have decided to wait a couple of months before doing that. First off, I am not ready to put $300 down for it, and secondly, I emotionally feel like I need a break before starting a whole new procedure. And I guess thirdly, I still believe that God can heal my body without having to do expensive testing and procedures, and I want to give Him time to do that. Perhaps we still will have to continue on with medical help, but I will make that decision in another month or so.
Meanwhile, I can't help but think that I would have been 8 months pregnant now. Such a strange thought. And I never dreamed that it would take this long before getting pregnant again. I truly thought I would have spent this summer planning for a baby, even after the miscarriage. It would be easy for me to wallow in self-pity but I really do work to enjoy all the other blessings my life has right now, even without a baby. I still am blessed, and the easiest way to keep your heart from becoming hard and angry is to maintain a thankful attitude. Life certainly could be much worse!!!
Our 2-year anniversary is coming up next weekend and I am so thankful for the wonderful man who stands beside me and puts up with all my emotional drama (thank you hormones!). But I know myself and I know that I won't quit praying that at our 3 year anniversary our family will have expanded to more than just another new dog (oh yes, we did!). Because, as discouraged as I get, I still am an eternal optimist who believes my God gives us the desires of hearts! So, twins then Lord? ;-)
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