Tough Days -

Yesterday was a hard day for my heart. We went to my grandfather and step-grandmother's house in Lincoln to fulfill one of my Gramps' last wishes - that the family would get together for a big steak dinner and remember him. And laugh. Well, we did laugh. But also cried. His wife had a lot of his clothes and some special belongings out for us to look at and hopefully take home with us. I lost it when I picked up a bathrobe of his and smelled it. It smelled like him and just about every memory I had of him came rushing back in that moment. That bathrobe came home with us and I wore it all last night and some of this morning. I didn't put it back on after my shower because I did not want it to smell like my lotion. i want it to smell like Gramps for as long as possible. My husband is built similar to my Gramps so he has been able to keep and wear some of his shoes, shirts, and hats. I love seeing them on him, yet it is also so strange. Death is so hard. What would a person do without the hope of Heaven? Without the peace that you will someday see your loved ones, providing they have acknowledged Christ as their Savior?

Yesterday also marked another month not pregnant. Worse than that, we had a false positive earlier in the week, so I feel like my heart is extra crushed. I want a baby so badly. Its so consuming that I no longer can just fall asleep at night. Instead I lie awake and beg God to put a life inside me. I cry quietly so my husband won't know how much it consumes my every thought and prayer. I think about how I would be close to giving birth if I had not miscarried back in January. I wonder if we will ever have the opportunity to use our extra bedrooms in this house, or how much "help" we are going to need to fulfill this girl's life-long dreams. And if they ever will be fulfilled. I try to imagine what it would be like to never have children and if I could handle that. Or what if we have opportunity to adopt but I never experience pregnancy. Could I be okay with that? It makes me realize, I don't JUST want a child - I want to experience pregnancy and the marvel of watching God take Troy's and my DNA and create a new life. Maybe I still would someday adopt, but I know that I do absolutely want to experience the joy, sickness, fear, fatigue, and everything else that comes with being pregnant. I did have it for a few weeks, and I LOVED every moment of it. I had just a taste, but I want more than that.

So, blame hormones, but it has been a weepy weekend for me. I try to always be happy, but when Troy asked me how I felt last night, all I could honestly say was "sad". I was sad. I was missing my grandfather, hating death, and mourning the fact that my womb is empty. I know it is all a part of life, and believe me, I KNOW I have much to be grateful for! But sometimes, I just have a tough day. And yesterday was one of them.