Serenity Prayer -

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." I have had a new sense of peace since my last post. I have not miscarried yet, but still am having symptoms. Tomorrow I go in to have my levels checked. If they are high and right on track, then I will know that everything is fine for the time being, but if they are low, then I will have to prepare myself that my body is probably miscarrying. It's tough. But it is something I can not change, therefore I must accept it for what it is. I think I was becoming too drained stressing and worrying about it 24/7. I wasn't sleeping. I was crying all of the time. And nothing has happened yet! I still have a chance of it being okay!

The only thing I want more than this baby is God's perfect plan for our family. I want to tell of His great faithfulness no matter the outcome. Because He IS faithful. I read a quote recently that I printed out and have it hanging on our refridgerater. It says "Love of God is pure when joy and suffering inspire an equal degree of gratitude." I want to live that daily.

So, needless to say I still am a bit nervous for tomorrow's test. I find myself thinking "what if it's bad news?". But then at the same time I have ask "but what if it's good news?". And ultimately, no matter what my eyes see, my God is in complete control and He is faithful. And helping me accept what I can not change.

He IS my Healer -

"You hold my every moment,
You calm my raging sea.
You walk with me through fire,
and heal all my disease.

I trust in You, I trust in You....

I believe You're my healer.
I believe You are all I need.
I believe, You're my portion.
I believe, You're more than enough for me,
Jesus You're all I need."

Anyone who reads this, I would ask for your prayers. I found out last weekend that I am indeed pregnant again. I had two blood tests done this past week, and as of yesterday everything was looking good. However I got up this morning and am experiencing miscarriage symptoms now. I am terrified, heartbroken, but doing my best to walk in faith. Please walk along with me. He IS my Healer, so I hope He chooses now to heal my body. But if not, we will walk through it, and we will keep trying.

And so, healing comes...

I think the passing of my "due date" was in a way good closure for me. Ever since that day I have felt more content, more at peace. Happy with what I have now. Don't get me wrong, I still want a baby sometimes more than I want breath, but it is easier to be patient now, and just say "in God's timing". I still feel my heart hurting a little bit when I see my friends with their new babies. But after debating if I should grab the baby and run for it, I am able to tell myself that someday it will be my turn.

In the meantime, I have put a lot more effort into my marriage and into taking care of my body. I have been reading the book "The Power of a Praying Wife", and really am learning a lot. I want to make sure my marriage is strong and has a good foundation so that we can not only survive having a baby together, but thrive while doing it. God has already answered one prayer of mine - He has brought me peace and healing. He has given me the most incredible man I can ever fathom walking through life with. He has given me the cutest little chihuahua that has been a great companion over the last 8 years of my life. He has given me two goofy Rhodesian Ridgeback mixes that make me laugh every day and bring so much joy. They make me feel loved, and in a way give me a nurturing outlet.

I really do love my life. I'm ready for the next stage, but shouldn't be quick to pass up on this one. Marriage is so fun and until that baby day comes, I have three "babies" at home who need me and make me smile.

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him." (My baby verse!)