Real Life

Well, my maternity leave is now up, and real life begins again on Monday. I have been dreading this moment since June 29th. It's been a perfect, wonderful, past 7 1/2 weeks and I have cherished every single minute. I love being with Hope and sometimes even want to wake her up from naps simply because I miss her. What a blessing to have gotten to spend so much time with her.

I still am very blessed. I will be going back to work 4 days/week, and Hope will be getting watched by family who loves her and will take good care of her. But it's still not the same as keeping her with me. No one will lover her like I do (hear that Hope???). I am so thankful for her and think I love her more every day. She is so sweet and innocent, it makes my heart hurt. I can not thank God enough for this precious gift He has given Troy and I.

As I type this I am watching her sleep in her swing. She has a little smile on her face and is still in her yellow duckie pajamas - so cute! Her hair is sticking up, of course, and her little hands are resting on her legs. I wonder what she is dreaming or if she is. I hope she feels safe and secure and loved. That is my prayer for her every day. I try to show her with my face and my actions how treasured she is. And that is the main word that comes to mind when I think about her. She is my treasure.

So if you think about it, please say a prayer for me Monday morning. It will be a tough, painful day, but I will live for the moment I can race out of work and hold my baby in my arms once again, and pray that she hasn't forgotten me while we were separated. I pray protection over her while she is not in my care, and the strength for me to do what I need to do, to give her a good life and good home. As i said, it's the day I have been dreading but I pray it will go better than anticipated, and maybe I will also be okay with her missing me like I will miss her.

Dear Hope -

I never knew I could love someone so much that I have only known a few weeks. I'm not even sure what your personality will be. But I am amazed at the depth of love I have for you. It is different than anything I have ever felt - a different kind of love than what I have for your daddy. I love to watch you and marvel at how your little tiny body moves. I love kissing your head and face over, and over, and over (you probably have noticed). You are one of the most beautiful things I have seen in my life. To be away from you literally makes my heart hurt. I have to leave you in a few weeks to go back to work, and I'm not even sure my heart can handle the pain.

I pray for you constantly, sweetheart. I pray protection over you. I pray that I will learn to cherish each moment with you, because they go by so fast. I cry because in no time at all you will no longer be my little tiny newborn, so innocent and dependent on me. I love when I am feeding you and you spend the whole time studying me with your beautiful eyes and face. I hate it when you cry - not because it's loud, but because it means something in you is hurt or distressed, and I can't stand to hear you be sad or hurt. The worst is when you clasp your little tiny hands in front of you while you cry - it rips my heart to see you do that.

You are so wonderful, and I am humbled that God gave your dad and I exactly what we desired. You are better than I could have hoped for, and even more amazing than I imagined. Always walk with Him, because I can't imagine watching you bring pain on yourself with poor decisions. May God grant us wisdom to raise you to be a Godly, obedient, young lady. You deserve the best, and I promise to do everything I can to give you that. I love you Hopey. More than you will ever, ever know.

Mommyhood -

Mommyhood is awesome! I love my baby. I love being home with her and taking care of her. Okay, and I will admit, I LOVE dressing her up! haha! Hope is 3 weeks old now, and doing absolutely great. She is such an easy baby - so passive and sweet. And a sleeper! This girl is practically sleeping through the night already! She is so very precious.

I still cry a lot, but my tears have changed. They are now tears of gratitude and love. God has trusted us with such a precious, precious, gift! However, I do cry for another reason too. I cry because I know this is the only time in her life that I can protect her from almost anything. No one is hurting her physically, no one is hurting her emotionally. She is oblivious to pain except maybe a hungry tummy, which we take care of immediately. I cry knowing that one day she will know pain - it is impossible to avoid. I cry that she has been born into an often scary and painful world. If I could keep her at this stage in life, I would. But, that just isn't how it works. And I am thankful that she is so healthy and will continue to grow and blossom, as God intended.

It's scary to love so much. And now two people walk around this earth carrying my heart - Troy and Hope. It's wonderful and terrible all at the same time. I have to rebuke the fear of losing either one of them. Instead, I must focus on the blessings of each day and the joyful times we have. Thank you Lord, with everything in me, for all that I have been given!

It's a Girl!!!!

I had my baby! And it's a girl!! She was born Wednesday, June 29th, at 1:36 in the afternoon. But I am getting ahead of myself. I want to write about the delivery, which may be boring to readers, but I want to chronicle it for myself and for her, before I forget those precious details.

Labor started for me at 7:30 pm Tuesday night. Troy and I had a very sweet "last evening" together. After we got home from work, we played laddergolf in the backyard, and also played with the dogs a little. Then we decided to get hamburgers from Outback, and I did a bit more house cleaning. I had been taking Ambien the last couple of weeks to help me sleep, but after dinner I told Troy that I was having a lot of contractions and I thought maybe we should time them for a while before I take my Ambien and go to sleep. So we began timing them around 8:00. I took a shower, we sat and watched tv, I folded laundry, and every time I had one I would tell Troy, he would check the time on his phone, and write it down. At 10:00 we tallied them up and realized that they had been running 2-5 minutes apart for over 2 hours. Time to call the doctor! I made the call, and as I suspected, they told me to go to labor and delivery and have them check me. It was exciting, but also scary. I didn't really think this was "it", but we packed everything up just in case. We were both quite calm, and just seeing what the night would bring. We only called my mom and my sister because we didn't want to get everyone excited and out of bed if it was only a false alarm.

We arrived at the hospital around 10:45, where I immediately had a crying meltdown. I was scared. Very, very scared. The nurses were so kind - they hugged me and said they understood being afraid. I kept telling Troy I missed my dogs and wanted to go home. They had me get into a gown and start walking the halls to see if this was the real deal or not. Around midnight, after a 30 minute walk around the hospital, I started bleeding and my cervix was continuing to dilate. So they told us this was probably it, and they were going to go ahead and admit me. We finally decided to call or text Troy's parents, my other sisters, and my boss, and let them know it would still be a long night, but they were keeping me there.

The labor really wasn't very bad for me during that night. The contractions were quite uncomfortable and painful, but nothing that was making me want any drugs. This was concerning to me since I know I don't have a real high pain tolerance. Well, at 5:30 am my water broke, and that was when everything really started to happen! I tried getting into the spa bath for a while, which was nice in between contractions, but by then they were getting so bad that nothing was feeling good. At 7:30, I felt like I couldn't take it any more, and was too tired to keep going, so I gave in and asked (okay, demanded) for an epidural. Now, I am terrified of needles, so you know I was in a lot of pain if it was worth it to me to get an IV, as well as the epidural. By the time everything was in and set up and I started to feel relief, it was around 8:30. Since I had now been laboring over 12 hours, the doctor said they just wanted me to get some sleep, and rest up for the pushing part. They also wanted to let the baby drop as low as possible because I learned that I have a narrow pelvis, potentially making delivery tricky. The next 4 1/2 hours were WONDERFUL! Troy got to go home, change, check on dogs, and take a nap. My sister did the same, and my mom stayed with me. I dozed, happily chatted with whoever came in to check on me, and thanked the anesthesiologist over and over for putting me out of my hell, er, misery. I could have laid there all day!

At 1:00 pm, I was dilated to ten, full effaced, and baby's head was low. It was time to deliver! The baby was starting to show signs of distress (heart rate would drop after each contraction), and they wanted to get her out. I will never forget my feelings the moment the doctor came in with all her scrubs on, they brought in the warmer and two pediatric nurses, the big light came on above me, and I was told this was it. I was excited, a little scared, and everything just seemed surreal. I could feel the pressure of the contractions, but not the pain, so they coached me that with each contraction I was to take 2 deep, slow breaths, and then put my chin to my chest and push 3 times with everything I had. I did it a few times, but did not feel like I was accomplishing anything, so I asked if I could watch. My sister held a mirror for me, and it really helped to see what my pushing was doing. The baby's heart rate continued to drop, so there was a new urgency to get her out asap. At one point they paged another one of the doctors for help and he came in with all his surgical gear on with even more nurses (my, there were a lot of people in my room!), but in answer to prayer, the baby "rallied" and it looked like I could get her out without any additional help. At 1:36, she came out, was immediately laid up on my chest, and the doctor said "okay Dad, what is it?", to which Troy responded, "um, a girl?". Hee hee! Yes indeed, I got my girl that I had been praying for and believed all along was in my tummy! She was finally here! Beautiful, healthy, and with more hair than I had on my first birthday! She is perfect.

They asked us, "does she have a name?". Yes, my sweetheart is named Hope. Hope Jalyn. She has been the hope that carried us through after the heartbreak of a miscarriage, the struggle to conceive, the pain of other losses experienced in 2010, and the fear of miscarriage with her. "Hope is born of suffering." We suffered last year, but we always had hope. And now, I was finally holding her in my arms. What a great gift we have been given. What a perfect child we have been trusted with. June 29, 2011. One of the best days of my life, only to be compared with my wedding day. I received my daughter, and had the love of my life beside me the whole time. She is worth every tear I cried as I waited for her - the same way I feel about her father. I had a wonderful experience and can hardly wait to do it all again.... but we'll cross that bridge in a year or two!

"May the God of Hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him..."

One of My Last Nights Ever -

Home alone with Troy, just us and our dogs, in a quiet, clean house, not worried about the whereabouts of our child. I am 39 weeks 1 day, dilated to 4, with baby's head so low it was able to be touched by the doctor. Any day, any hour, any minute now. Every night we go to bed wondering if we will get a full night's sleep or if we are going to be awakened by labor. Every morning I wake up wondering if this day is the day. Our family members don't go anywhere without their cell phones, and I receive numerous texts and calls throughout the day wondering if there is any new activity to report. And every time I walk into work, I see a very apparent look of relief come over my boss' face.

Today has been a wonderful day - Troy and I got to be together ALL DAY! Sadly, I don't know the last time that has happened for us. And he has been so sweet to serve me, doing things around the house and overall just being with me, which is what I want. I am extra clingy to him these days. I'm just so nervous for the changes about to happen, and he is such a strong support system for me, calming me down in my moments of hysteria and reassuring me that we are doing the right thing. Oh how I love him!

There is an end in sight though. No really, we know this child is getting evicted Friday, at the latest. I struggled a little bit with the idea of setting an inducement date, however we have several reasons for doing it. I only have 6 weeks of maternity leave, and it is getting too hard and uncomfortable to work for much longer. So I told my employer that next week will be the start of my leave, regardless if I am still pregnant. I don't want to waste a week or two just waiting for baby, and then only have 4 weeks home with him or her before having to return. Also, we are coming up on a long holiday weekend, and it worked well for Troy's work schedule to be home with me, as well as the fact that we wouldn't chance missing our doctor over the holiday weekend. However, all will be surprised if we even make it until next Friday (my actual due date!), since my body is so close to going into labor on it's own.

The reason I feel kind of bad turning to the inducing process is because I really do believe that God ordains all our days, beginning with the day we enter this world, and a part of me feels guilty for messing with that. Not that I think I could really mess up God's plan for our child, but still. I would always wonder. So as nice and controlled as the induction sounds, I pray that I go into labor on my own before then. Also because I am so uncomfortable that every day that goes by I continue to get more and more cranky!

I have another pre-natal appointment (last one!) Monday morning, and I am hoping they say I have progressed. Hard to believe that life as I know it is about to be forever altered. From what I hear, this baby will come out, and then my heart will forever walk around outside of my body. Am I ready to be so vulnerable and love someone so much? I believe it is my destiny. I believe this child is the exact person God intended to be in our family. And above all else, I have to believe that everything will be even better than we could have ever imagined, including life with a new family member.

Less Than 3 Weeks!

Wow, I am less than 3 weeks away from my due date now! I can't believe how fast time has gone, and really, this little sweetheart could come any day. My weekly doctor appointments will begin, so I am curious about what they will say this coming Monday morning. We know one thing for sure - this baby has dropped down and is getting ready to come out. I have been having more and more contractions. In fact, last night Troy and I spent about an hour or so timing them, they were so regular and strong. But, just when I started thinking maybe I should start getting our things together for a trip to the hospital, they became less frequent and painful. Whew! Close call!

I'm sure very soon I will feel ready for d-day, but last night I was panicking that I was NOT ready! You see, I have a list of things that I want done before the baby comes, and barely half of them have been done so far. My mom came over today and graciously spent 6 hours helping me get things crossed off the list. We finished the guest bedroom and bathroom, so now if we have anyone staying here after baby, it is ready. We cleaned out my pantry so all the expired food is gone, and everything is cleaned and organized. We also spring-cleaned much of the kitchen. Troy is going to help me finish the landscaping outside, and tomorrow I plan to do a big walmart run to make sure we are stocked up on a few necessities (laundry detergent, shampoo, dog food, etc.) so we don't have to do too many store runs the first couple of weeks that we are home with Baby. Almost done and ready!

Last weekend I was given an AMAZING baby shower by my mom and sisters - what a blessing! We received so many amazing items that we really need for the baby. Like a stroller, swing, diaper bag, bathtub, diapers, newborn clothes (neutral of course). It was almost embarrassing how much we were given!

It got me thinking, what a heartbreak that not all babies are this loved and welcomed into the world. All babies should have what ours does - a supportive, loving family and friends, who value the miracle of life and see what a blessing a child is, and are beyond excited to have them. Yes, our little one is indeed blessed.

Well, it's 3:30 in the morning...

And I am up. No, not in labor, but I can definitely blame this on the little stinker inside my tummy. Usually this baby is quite mellow and doesn't move much, but for some reason tonight I am getting all kinds of movement which includes head-butting my bladder so I have to keep running to the bathroom, and little feet (or a bottom - can't tell tonight which) are sticking themselves up into my ribs. I think my body is starting to train itself to run on little sleep. I have been getting RLS (Restless Leg Syndrome) horribly - to the point that I will try ANYTHING! I even broke down and put a bar of soap at the bottom of the bed based on an old wives' tale, because.... why not?? The worst that can happen is my sheets will smell like soap! Today Troy and I took an easy walk with the dogs and I think it actually helped things! Well, until about half an hour ago that is. And now the restlessness is back, and I am up blogging.

It isn't just that though - It's hard to turn my brain off. Now that we are another week closer, the nerves are even stronger. I'm getting more excited, but still so very nervous. Our baby will be here almost any day now. I'm nervous about labor (who WOULDN'T be??), nervous to be a parent, nervous of the change. Yet, this is also a dream come true - it's what I have wanted since I was a little girl playing with my beloved Raggedy Ann doll, and I really am so grateful that God allowed me to become pregnant and safely carry a child this far.

So, now with my mind turning, a baby having a party in my belly, and my legs needing to be stretched and massaged, I sit here and wonder..... will I ever sleep again???? :-)

Less Than 6 Weeks....

D-Day is coming! Delivery day, that is. I can't believe how close we are! I feel like I am always getting things checked off the to-do list I constantly have running through my head. Put crib together: check! Choose and meet with our baby's pediatrician: check! Get new, bigger "family car": check! Wash blankets, tiny sleep sacks, toys, and onesies in scent-free, dye-free detergent: check! Pack hospital bag: umm.... working on that.

We had our 32-week sonogram and it was so very exciting to see our baby again! She/he is very calm and very big! Baby was already measuring to be just under 5 lbs! Slept through the whole thing, even after I ate 2 cookies and some fruit to try and wake it up for the sonogram. Well, if she/he is still this mellow and a good sleeper outside of the womb, we will be some very thrilled first-time parents!

Troy is getting his golf games in while he can, but has been an awesome help around the house and getting things prepared. We know we will be having lots of visitors this summer, so yard work and a prepared guest room are also on the long list. We are nearly there! I have just some final things to put away in the baby's room and give it a good cleaning, and I think it will be as ready as it can be!

I am so excited. Feeling more ready every day to meet this little sweetheart. I can't wait to kiss this child and comfort it. I can't wait to see what God has planned for our family and who He is adding to it. Thank you God, for giving me the desires of my heart. May I do everything I can to be the wife and mother you created me to be.

Happy May Day!

May 1st already! Wow, wow, wow, time is zooming! Over 31 weeks now, and I get my restrictions lifted in less than 6 weeks - yahoo! We are getting more and more ready for our family to grow to 3 (or 6 if you count the dogs, which pathetically we do). This week we meet with the pediatrician we have chosen to discuss what will happen at the hospital when Baby arrives, vaccinations, circumcision if it's a boy, etc, etc. We have a birthing DVD lent from my doctor to watch, our last sonogram next week, and a baby shower in 4 weeks. Whew! The baby's room is almost as ready as it is going to be. I have a few things to put away, and Troy is going to start on the crib next week, but otherwise it's done. I did everything brown and white so it will be easy to add pink or blue accents later. A good feeling!

Troy has been awesome through all of this. For whatever reason I could not sleep at all last night, and he so patiently stayed up with me and did everything he could to help me. I don't know what I would do without him. He lets me whine to my heart's content and serves me daily. There is a Rascal Flatts song that makes me think of him and I cry every time I hear it because it is so what's in my heart. It's called "Here", and I won't type out the whole thing, but I do love the chorus which goes as follows:

"And I wouldn't change a thing; I'd walk right back through the rain. Back to every broken heart on the day that it was breaking. And I'd relive all the years, and be thankful for the tears I cried with every stumbled step that lead to you, and brought me here."

I am so thankful for my soulmate and best friend, and everything I went through to get to this point in my life. I have everything I always wanted and prayed for. An amazing man who loves me, a beautiful home, and now a child of my own. How could I ever ask more? God is so very good to me!!!

Gracious Sakes!

Has it really been two months since I have posted? Well, time keeps marching on and my pregnancy is flying by! I am now 28 weeks, 3 days, the start of my 3rd trimester, and getting bigger daily. I must be big enough now that people aren't so shy to ask me when I am due - it's quite obvious that I am not chubby, I am with child. Finally! That was a tough stage of pregnancy to go through a couple of months ago. When it was so obvious to those who knew me that my body was changing due to pregnancy, but to the rest of the world I looked like I had no waist and maybe should cut back on those milkshakes. It makes a woman want to wear shirts that say "baby on board", or "I'm not fat; I'm pregnant". Well, like I said, at least that phase has passed and there seems to be no question about what is going on with me these days.

All seems to be going fairly well, although as of two weeks ago I did get orders from the doctor to be on partial bed rest. Nothing too concerning, just a few early labor steps that my body is starting to take, and so they are being cautious. I was told to cut back my work hours significantly, no exercise, no gardening (boo!), no big grocery trips (ie: Costco), no heavy lifting, and pretty much not much of anything except to lie on the couch. At first I thought it might not be so bad, but now that I am two weeks into it, it is much harder than I thought. You see, I am in nesting mode, and I can't clean or rearrange furniture like I want to. And we weren't quite prepared for the financial surprise of me going to part time this early. I just have to remind myself that God is my ever-present and faithful Father. He knew this would happen, and He will not let us fall. I have no concerns about my baby's health - I have full confidence this child will be safely born at the perfect time. If I have learned nothing else throughout this pregnancy it has been this: this child, whomever it is I am carrying, is meant to be. He/she has had the Hand of God on it since day one. If I can't hand over the fear and control to God before my baby is born, will I ever be able to? This is no accident, and God has big plans for my baby. It is a long story, but I knew God had given me a baby before I ever took a pregnancy test. So I have no doubt that boy or girl, healthy (by the world's standards) or not, this child's birth day has been chosen and planned by the One who created it, and we will watch it come to pass. However, I will still be a wise parent who will do whatever I can to keep my child safe, and will follow the doctor's orders.

In 4 more weeks we get another 4D ultrasound, and I can NOT wait!!! I so badly want to see my baby's face, and see who it looks like. What features it seems to have and from whom. Last ultrasound, I thought the baby had strong Glidewell features and looked much like my niece. So I am curious if this time I still think that, or if the Peissig characters will be there. This child has a handsome father, who was a BEAUTIFUL baby, so I would be so happy for it to look like him. In fact, I would love for my child to be as much like his/her father as possible! Troy is such a wonderful person, and the world sure could use another him.

I spent a long, long time praying tonight. Praying for wisdom as a wife, and wisdom as a mother. Praying that both Troy and I will fall in love with this baby as soon as we see it. Praying that we will exemplify God so that our children will also want to know the God we serve. Praying he/she won't make the same mistakes Troy and I have in our life. Praying God will provide for our family financially. And I realized that I never once prayed for the health of the baby. I have a new pet-peeve. It is the saying "It doesn't matter if it's a boy or a girl, as long as it is healthy". So, what do people do when they have a child who isn't considered healthy? You know what? We will take this baby, however it comes out, and we will be THANKFUL!!! And yes, I suppose I do want a baby that is considered healthy, but it isn't something I am concerned about. It is who it is, and we will love and cherish it.

My sweet child, you have the hand of God on you, and I can not wait to meet you!

My baby is BEAUTIFUL!

We saw her! Okay, i don't really know it's a her, but I think so, so in this post "it" will be "her" :-) I am over half-way through my pregnancy now, and we had the joy of watching our sweet little one on the ultrasound machine last week. I LOVED it! I could have laid there for hours, mesmerized by watching my baby's every movement. My baby. Still seems so surreal!

She seems to be passive, at least so far. She was content to just lay there and slowly move and stretch those little arms and sweet little hands and fingers. I must be falling in love. I want to watch our ultrasound video over and over, and cry every time I see those sweet fingers - oh to kiss them!!!! As my mother used to say "my lips were quivering", I just wanted to kiss those hands! And then we watched the most amazing thing - she took that tiny hand with tiny fingers, slooowly moved them up to her mouth, got them in, and then started sucking away. It looks to be her two middle fingers - the same ones my niece and nephew both sucked. Amazing.

Beyond just getting to watch her, it was wonderful to get a clean bill of health and see that SO FAR our child seems to be perfect and right on track. I already am counting down until our next ultrasound!!! I love her.

Whoops -

I guess I got a little busy lately and completely forgot about blogging! I had a friend kind enough to text me and tell me she missed seeing new updates on here - thanks friend! :-) Well, life has been..... good! I am 18 weeks, 2 days, into this pregnancy and really feeling good now. The constant nausea is gone, some of my energy is back, and I can say that I am enjoying being pregnant. It's strange to look in the mirror and see my body changing. You know it's going to happen, but it's still strange to watch it. My skin is already feeling tight around my stomach and I can't imagine how it will feel come this summer! Hormones are raging and I find myself crying because I want something certain to eat, but can't get it. Silly? Yes, I know that, but it's like my body has a mind of it's own sometimes, and the tears will come whether I want them to or not.

I still have my anxiety attacks sometimes. Will I enjoy having children? What if I am a terrible parent? What if I dislike my own flesh and blood? What if it comes between Troy and I? Will I lose who I am after I have a child? The unknown is exciting, yet scary.

I have been amazed at all the "free advice" we have been given since announcing our pregnancy. Examples: "Better sleep now, because you'll never have it again!' Um, thanks? "You're not finding out the sex? You're crazy! You can't bond with it or plan unless you know." Well listen people, it's not like we're NEVER going to know what it is, and this is the road WE (the parents) chose. "Oh, get the epidural, you don't want to do it natural." Actually, I DO want to try it natural. Key word: try. "You might love your dogs now, but just wait, once the baby is born you'll never take them for a walk again!" Yeah, maybe you're right, but don't tell me that now - that just makes me cry. Sheesh.

And then of course, I learned really fast why you don't tell people your baby names. Now the answer is "no, we have not decided on anything."

Overall though, I feel so blessed and am enjoying every minute of this. What an exciting time, and what an answer to prayer! I ordered a crib yesterday and my stomach had butterflies (or maybe that was the baby moving again!). It was a big step - the first baby item I have let myself buy. But it was exactly what I wanted, so I just went for it. Now I can't wait to set it up and stare at it, knowing that sometime very soon, it will be occupied with the sweet child I have been wanting my whole life. Wow, I am a blessed woman indeed!