Music

I love music! It has been a big part of my life forever. I was born into a very musical family on both sides. My mother is a good singer and has great rhythm, my father is an excellent trumpet player and sings in a group, both of my grandmothers are/were fantastic pianists, and I have an uncle and cousin who are known in town for their drumming skills. It's in my blood. It's a big part of who I am and how I express my emotions. I love playing the piano at church as a way to worship God and thank Him for my talents. I play piano when I am angry, bored, or frustrated. It sooths my soul. I also love to take drives and just listen to my ipod. In fact, that was Troy's and my first date! I have come to realize that I ALWAYS have music going through my head.

One of the things I love about songs are the lyrics. It must be the same way people love poetry. There is just something about it. Maybe it makes me feel like I'm not alone in the way I feel - there are others who have gone through similar circumstances I have, or feel about their loved ones the way I do. But I love it. Sometimes I wish I had a soundtrack for my life. Sometimes I just want to sit down with Troy, put a song on, and say "Listen to these words - this is exactly how I feel about you too!!" Oh wait, I do make him do that! ;-) I bet that for every situation I have had in my life, I can find a song to fit it. Sometimes I think it makes me quirky, but it's something that will probably never change.

So, speaking of, today I heard a song that Troy once told me he listened to when we first met and would think of me. That was probably one of the most romantic things he has ever told me and I don't think he even realizes that. Every time this song comes on my ipod it makes me smile, gives me butterflies in my stomach as I remember how it felt to first fall in love with him, and I listen to it about 8 times in a row. Not joking. I'll post the lyrics, since of course they are the most important part of this song, and imagine it to a peppy, happy beat, of the first love song my husband listened to and thought about me.

"Everybody" by Sister Hazel.

You are so sexy my love
You've got me tripping over my tongue
And I can't say what I mean
But I mean it when I say
that I fell so hard for you
that it broke my heart in two
Now I'm wrapped in black and blue
You know I'm crazy 'bout you
Should I take a chance?
Or should I sit and wonder of you?

I wanna tell everybody everybody
that you're so much more than they've ever even seen before
And I wanna tell everybody everybody
If they touched your hand then they'd never want to let you go

Like a junkie to a rush
I'd trade my mama for your touch
Oh wait that might just be too much
Well I'd do anything but that
You are so tempting my dear
You strip away my useless fears
No you don't care that I'm weird
And that's amazing yeah

Oh as you walk on by
Oh I - I sit in wonder of you

I wanna tell everybody everybody
that you're so much more than they've ever even seen before
And I wanna tell everybody everybody
If they touched your hand then they'd never want to let you go

Spinning around like nobody's watching
Nobody else but me
So far beyond my imagination
If they could only see
yeah yeah

Oh you are so sexy my love
You've got me tripping over my tongue
And I can't say what I mean
But I mean it when I say

I wanna tell everybody everybody
that you're so much more than they've ever even seen before
And I wanna tell everybody everybody
If they touched your hand then they'd never want to let you go no
I wanna tell everybody everybody
that you're so much more than they've ever even seen before
And I wanna tell everybody everybody
If they touched your hand then they'd never want to let you go
Everybody everybody
yeah

Faithfulness -

Faithfulness. A word you hear so often in the Bible. It describes God's character. It is something we are instructed to be. It is a "fruit" of the spirit. But what does it truly mean? What does it mean to have a faithful God?

I was listening to a song on my ipod driving today that has wonderful lyrics and talks about how our God is faithful. And for some reason, it got me thinking about that and I found myself in awe of Him.

This weekend a life-long friend of our family, and a very good, very Godly man, passed away quite unexpectedly. He was diagnosed with a brain tumor a few months ago, and everyone who knew this family and believes in miracles began praying for complete healing. Our prayers seemed answered because as of Friday there was NO SIGN of the tumor! However, he was diagnosed with meningitis and within less than 24 hours he went from not feeling very well with a small fever, to passing away. Was God faithful?

Some might think not. Some may think it is cruel for a God to take away loved ones when they still have so much life to live and so much goodness to share with the world. How about when children die? Is God faithful then? When catastrophes come to innocent people, and bad things happen to those who are considered good? Is God faithful?

I think yes. God IS faithful, because God is faithful to His Word. We are never told that life on this earth will be easy. God never promised that part of His faithfulness was to shield us from pain. His promise and faithfulness is that He will "never leave us or forsake us". His promise is that WHEN pain comes, He is there. He will cry with us. He will show us how to walk through our pain and know that we are not walking it alone. He knows our heart's cry without us having to try and put it into words.

This thought has made me sit and think today what else the Bible says that we know God is faithful to. How about the way the earth moves on it's axis and seasons come and go as they should? He is faithful. How about the fact that we are promised that what satan intends for evil, God will take and use for good? He is faithful. And how about the fact that I can rest and let Him be God because I know He holds my world in His hands, just as He promised? He is faithful.

Think on that today - what a wonderful thing to have a faithful God who keeps His promises. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. My God never changes, and neither do His promises. I will close this post with the lyrics of the song that started this thought process in my mind.

"There's the redeemed lost again
Confused with doubts and suffering
But if only they'd open up their eyes
And see the beauty of their God, who has never left their side

This is the chorus of the saints singing "Hallelujah! Our God is faithful!"

We the redeemed are lost again
With misplaced trust and desire to complain
But if only we'd open up our eyes
And see the beauty of our God
Who has never left our side

This is the chorus of the saints singing "Hallelujah! Our God is faithful!"

So open up your eyes
And see the beauty of your God
Who has never left your side

This is the chorus of the saints singing "Hallelujah! Our God is faithful!"

Blessings!

Okay, my 2nd day being 30 and I guess it isn't so bad ;-) I was so touched yesterday by people's thoughtfulness to write, call, text, or even give me a gift! I was amazed, and felt humbled. I don't feel like I am that thoughtful to others, so it is a good reminder to try and be better about that kind of thing.

My husband gave me one of the most amazing gifts ever that I'm sure I will never forget! He blessed me by using his hard-earned bonus to buy me an incredible camera! It's the Canon Rebel xs with 10 megapixels - amazing! I used to really be into photography and have missed getting to do that. Now that we have a good computer, I was anxious to get a new digital camera so I can play around with photos. I never dreamed he would be so generous with his gift to me! He's got to be one of the best husbands ever and I'm so glad he's mine!

This morning I took an early pregnancy test in the hopes that I would still get one more wonderful birthday gift. Negative. Again. I cried. Now I am in the process of praying what God would have me do. Should I continue with my efforts to do everything I can to put it out of my mind and just know it will happen when it happens? Or should we use methods to "try" more? It is so tiring to cry every month. I really ache for women who do this for years. I'm only 3 months into this and I feel discouraged!

So, once again I stood in the shower, took my few minutes to cry and feel sorry for myself, then wiped my tears and began singing a faith-filled song to God (er, did I just admit that I sing in the shower?). I really don't want to be foolish and miss the good things that are happening in my life right now. I have a friend who is pregnant and whose due date is a week before what mine would have been if I hadn't miscarried. I'm happy for her, but I have to admit it hurts my heart a bit to see her cute little belly and hear about how she can feel the baby move now. It makes me so anxious to have that! I also recently found out about another friend who is pregnant, and another who is having twins. Two others are having babies next month. And somehow, that makes me feel left behind and kind of lonely.

I know, I know, it's ONLY been 3 months. But 3 months is starting to feel like forever. How many more months will I hold my breath and pray to see that second pink line? How many more months will I cry before I do? And when it finally does happen, you better believe I will be praying that my body will do what it's supposed to and grow a healthy baby, because another miscarriage might just push me over the edge into crazy-town! My mother had 9 and I don't know how she did it. How she NEVER gave up faith! I hope to be that kind of woman too - only without all of the miscarriages, of course. But, maybe that's the only way you get there.

I hope that through all of this something beautiful is growing in me. And I don't just mean the life of a child. I mean my life, and my spirit. I hope I am learning to love what is good and hate what is evil. To know without a doubt that my God can move mountains if I only have the faith to ask Him. To hang onto the words He has given me, and the knowledge that He keeps His promises. To realize that faith is being SURE of what we HOPE for, and CERTAIN of what we do NOT see. If faith like that was easy, everyone would do it.

Yes, God is still growing something inside me. And I think I know what it is. It's love for Him and joy for my future. I think it's faith that is stronger every day, and hope that I cling to with everything in me. Its gratitude for what I have now, and contentment for the joys of today.

Today, I am 30. I have lived 30 blessed years, and I am so fortunate. Someday, I WILL see that second pink line, and I will finally cry tears of joy.

"...to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor." Isaiah 61:3

30!!!

So, in honor of my 30th birthday coming up on Thursday, I decided to do 30 things you may or may not know about me:

1) I was born in Kauai, Hawaii, while my parents were vacationing. I had the honor of getting to return there with Troy for our honeymoon, and he bought me beautiful jewelry that is so dear to my heart because it represents my birthplace, our honeymoon and start to our new life together, and a place I just plain love!

2) Jobs I have held since I was 14: babysitter, clerk at Discount Video, church nursery attendant, janitor, nanny (both part-time and full-time), dogsitter, worked at the Missoula mall (Gifts Etc., Bath and Body Works, and a clothing store that I have forgetten the name of now), my parents' office, legal assistant, waitress (1 year at Outback in OH, and 3 years at The Depot in Msla), Allstate Insurance, and now currently an office manager at Active PT and independent consultant for Partylite and Lia Sophia.

3) I have always had a job since I was 14, but have only had I think 4 official interviews. And none of them were for the job I currently have!

4) I always wished I was a twin.

5) I L-O-V-E animals!!!! Almost to a fault. I once ran over a squirrel and it traumatized me for years. I completely missed my calling to be a zoo-keeper or dog trainer.

6) Pretty sure I knew my husband was "the one" even before we met. I just always had a feeling (I knew of him for a long time before we actually met).

7) I have never done drugs of any kind, nor been drunk. No, I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything.

8) I never had to watch what I ate until I turned 26. Quite the shock! Depressing too...

9) Sometimes I regret not finishing school, and think I would have been a pretty good nurse or PA if I had just stuck with it. On the flip side, at the time I didn't know what I wanted to do, and I got a pretty good career anyway.

10) I love TV. It's terrible, but true.

11) I love books too. One of my favorite things in the world is to go to a bookstore and buy a new book. Sometimes I do it when I'm sad or had a really bad day. It's a fairly inexpensive way to make myself feel better.

12) I wear my heart on my sleeve (but maybe you all knew that anyway).

13) It is easy for me to believe that everyone tells the truth and they will do the right thing. It's a shock to ever find out differently.

14) I can play the piano and saxophone (not at the same time, of course).

15) I suppose I am grateful my mother never let me quit the piano ;-)

16) I am awful at sports that require coordination with my feet (skiing, soccer).

17) I am great at sports that require coordination with my hands (tennis, basketball).

18) I was born with severe asthma, and still struggle with it. I could probably feel sorry for myself but I really don't know anything different. Except that it does prohibit me from working with animals, and sometimes that makes me a bit sad.

19) I had an unbelievably happy childhood, for which I am so grateful!

20) I love paying bills and working with money. In fact, I love money!

21) I HATED being tall when I was growing up, but since about 11th grade have come to appreciate my height.

22) I love surprises, which is a good thing if you know my mother!!!

23) I could probably stay home without stepping foot out of my yard for a week, and it would not bother me.

24) I don't know what I would do without my mom or sister.

25) I attended a Christian school for 13 years, and never once have wished that I had attended a public school.

26) I learned how to drive a tractor before I learned how to drive a car.

27) I am TERRIFIED of giving birth!!!

28) I have had plastic surgery and it was one of the best decisions I ever made.

29) I had my passport stolen in the Atlanta airport on my way to Brazil. I still have not been to Brazil - but my suitcase went without me! I have, however, successfully visited Germany, Austria, Switzerland, China, and Canada. If I was rich, I would definitely spend my money on traveling!!!

30) I am not afraid of what happens after death, but I am very afraid of how I will die and of losing loved ones. I think that's why it bothers me to get older.

So there ya go!

Venting

I often hear people say "You know what's wrong with our society?", and then continue to give their (usually unasked) opinion. Sorry to say, I've become one of those people. But some days I read headlines and articles, hear people talk, and see things on television that just make me want to scream and say "Can't you see this is not a good idea????" And since this is MY blog, I can vent as I please - haha!

My recent observation and frustration is something I easily fall into as well. And it is an attitude of entitlement. It is easy for me to feel that I deserve something or am entitled to something. And it makes me feel like a selfish, ugly, terrible person when I see that in myself. I also feel that way when I see it in others. It brings out the worst in people, and it brings out the worst in me.

There is nothing uglier than a child who feels entitled to several grand birthday and Christmas gifts, and expects nothing less. And not even a child, sometimes you see it in adults! Again, I'm not pointing fingers because I absolutely catch myself having that mindset too. I really do think it's our society. This is what is constantly advertised and shown - that a person is entitled to a larger than needed house (children having to share a bedroom, or a wife and husband having to share a bathroom sink? - *gasp* how awful!), a grand vacation every year, college paid for, a high-paying job with minimal work hours, new cars (including one for each of the children at the age of 15), the most fashionable clothing, and over-the-top holiday gifts and celebrations. Oh, and if you experience an injustice in any way, sue the person who caused it (yes, McDonalds, it's your fault that I'm overweight)!

Over the last few years, I really have worked to maintain a thankful heart at all times, for all things. I don't think there is any better remedy for the greed. I understand that ALL good gifts come from the Lord, and not because we deserve them. Do we really want God to give us what we 'deserve'? I don't! Because I certainly don't deserve all the blessings I have in my life - they are purely from a merciful and gracious Father.

As I think about having children, how is that something you can instill in them? How do you resist the temptation to spoil them rotten when you love them so much? I am terrified to have rude, spoiled, ungrateful children, who believe they are entitled to so much. How do we teach them to work hard, and to be grateful for even the smallest things, and to be a gracious person? To share what God has blessed them with and not expect anything in return? My husband is one of the most generous and humble people I have ever met. I think he would give our house away to someone if I let him! He is wonderful and I pray our children are like him.

In hopes that I can make our society a better place, I will continue to ask the Lord to give me a generous and thankful heart, and know that all we have is so much more than we deserve, and pray we can teach our children the same.

Good Days, Bad Days

Ever have 'those' days? Well, today is one of mine. Most days I am quite happy and content with my life. I love my husband, I love my job, I love my house, I love my dogs (no seriously, I am completely obsessed with my dogs!), and I love my family. Most days I feel okay with not being pregnant or having children yet. Most days.

But then there are days like today, where for some reason, it's more of a struggle to put all trust in God and practice patience. And the most frustrating part is that really, trusting God and being patient is my only option! I have no control over when I get pregnant. Or even if. And truly, at the end of the day I only want His plan in my life, whatever that consists of.

Today my brother and sister-in-law found out they have to wait 2 more weeks before making their adoption of 2 children from Ethiopia official, and then can proceed with plans to go get them. Very disappointing. And I really can identify. Each month that I'm not pregnant, it's a disappointment knowing that I have to wait again to find out if I am. Maybe that's why I feel kind of blue today.

However, I really am doing my best to be patient and not think about it. I have vowed to quit watching the calendar, quit letting my mind go there all the time, and just enjoy the wonderful life that I have right now. I suppose time goes fast enough without me wanting to rush it. The future doesn't always bring good things, so I will appreciate what I have for today. Even if it is one of the 'those' days.

"But the Fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, PATIENCE, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control." (hope that was the right order - I just wrote that from memory!)

Self-Discipline

You know how people sometimes ask the question "If you could change anything about yourself, what would it be"? Well, my answer is always the same - if it's a physical change, I hate my legs. But if it's a personality change, I wish it would be easier for me to be self-disciplined. All my life I have struggled with it, and God bless my mother's soul if she didn't work hard to try and instill it in me! But it just. doesn't. come. naturally.

Growing up, my mom worked really hard to help me learn it. I had to do things like get up at 6:30 in the morning to practice my piano for 30 minutes (in the meantime, it ruined my brother's life - just ask him about that) before school, which I HATED! But, you would have thought that the reward of not having to worry about it when I got home would have made it worth it. It didn't. Every weekend I had great plans of doing my homework on Friday, so that it would be done. But despite my good intentions you would find me starting it at 7:00 on Sunday night. I was constantly in trouble for not keeping my room clean, and to this day if you come over to my house unexpectadly, you will find my bed unmade and clothes on the floor.

It's frustrating, and sometimes I am concerned that I won't be a good mother because the hard work and self-discipline don't come easy to me. I'm not a morning person. At all. Every morning when I get up for work I think about how I need a job that doesn't start at least until 10:00. But I know that once we have a baby, he/she isn't going to care that I need and love my sleep. I know there will be nights where I just will not feel like making a healthy dinner, but that my family deserves and needs me to take care of them. And so I wonder if I really am cut out to have children, and if I can do a good job raising them.

Don't get me wrong, I know I do have my strengths. I'm a great worker at my job and my desk is left spotless every day when I go home. I have always been that way. And I hate a dirty bathroom, so 9 out of 10 times, if you show up at my house and surprise me by asking to use my bathroom, I won't feel embarrassed to say okay. And Troy has helped me get into the habit of keeping our living room clean and presentable as well.

I have to say my pets have also been good as I work to be self-disciplined. Lucy (our big dog) NEEDS opportunity to run and be walked daily (or almost daily). After a long day at work, rarely do I feel like loading them up and taking them somewhere for a hike or walk. But I do, because I know it's in their best interest and they will happier, healthier dogs. I have become more active outdoors since we got Lucy, and I'm grateful. She gets me going and I have learned to love at least one form of exercise - hiking! If it wasn't for her, I probably wouldn't go even 1/3 as often as I do now. I can thank her for helping me shed my winter chub every spring and summer!

I guess I pray that when we do have a baby, we will have the opportunity for me to stay home. Because maybe if I don't have to share my time and focus on an office job, the care for my home and my family will become that and I will excel in it as I do with my current work. I hope my nurturing instincts will kick in and it will be easier for me to be disciplined with the care of my child, because I will love it so much. I hope. But it still is a concern and makes me not like myself very much. I guess it is these weaknesses that just show me how much I need God, and how I am a CONSTANT work in progress! As are my legs.

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, of love, and of self-discipline." 2 Timothy 1:7

Easter!

Today is Good Friday, and I am so excited that Easter is in 2 days! On this day, my Lord voluntarily was tried in an unfair trial, whipped and beaten until He was unrecognizable, and brutally hung to die on a wooden cross. Voluntarily. Wow. Of course, I heard the story much while growing up, but every year it seems to mean more to me, and I appreciate it more. Maybe because I am close to the age Jesus was when He died. Maybe my adult thoughts are more similar to how His were, and I can identify a little better with Him. But it's amazing. Amazing He loves so much. He took on my sin for me, not that I would then have the freedom to sin as I please, but that I may have the freedom to love and show grace and forgiveness as He does.

My family has a wonderful Easter tradition. We all attend church together (I cry every year - so grateful for everything I have!), then enjoy one of THE BEST brunches ever at Finn & Porter. I'm telling you, anything you can imagine they have. My mouth is already watering! After stuffing ourselves to no end, we roll back to our cars and head home to change. Then we meet up at my parents' house (the one we were all raised in), pick out the best bag you can find for egg collecting, and then it's GAME ON! My mother hides 500 easter eggs over a 2-acre lot, strictly for the adults (my dad, 7 siblings, and me). Those eggs are filled with "tickets" for prizes such as household items, clothing, tools, etc., as well as candy and money. We train all year for this event! After we are fairly sure all the eggs have been found, we go inside for the prize distribution, admire our loot, and then trade as you see fit. Of course, laughing the entire time as well (like the time my brother got a little too eager in his collecting and later found dog poo in his bag along with the eggs he had grabbed).

Sound greedy? Yeah, it probably is. But I love that my parents make Easter one of the most special days of the year. Because, even more so than Christmas, this day represents everything we believe in. It represents everything I believe in. Not just because I was raised this way, but because I have searched my soul and know without a doubt that there is a God. There is a God who sent His son Jesus to die for me. And I believe that Jesus did not stay dead - He was raised after 3 days, just as He promised, and just as all the prophets hundreds of years before said He would. He is alive and He loves me, and He is my reason for being.

I can't deny there is a God. I have heard Him speak to me. I have felt His presence in a room, and in me. I have seen His workings and His miracles. I have no doubt. I could always choose to walk away from it, but I could never deny He is who He says He is. There is too much evidence.

Many feel that being a Christian is no fun, that there is no freedom. Yeah, I guess sometimes it can feel that way. I mean, if I am to live in obedience to the Bible it doesn't give me the freedom to cheat on my husband. But would I want to anyway? And the Bible doesn't give me freedom to steal or kill or hurt others. But is getting to do that rewarding? The freedom I have is to live without guilt, and to know that God is making me into the best person I can be - the person He created me to be. I have a joy and a hope that I would otherwise not have without Him. And I know that my God can do anything, that He keeps His promises, and that He loves me like no one else ever can or will. I can be stripped of everything in my life - my house, my family, my money, my health. But my God and my faith can not ever be taken from me. And that is something I will never walk away from. He has given me so much, and asks so little in return.

So, as you celebrate Sunday in whatever fashion you do, think about how loved you are. Whether you believe in God or not, it doesn't matter to Him - you are loved anyway, just as I know I am. And THAT is a joyful thing!

"Why do you seek the living among the dead? He is not here, but has risen. Remember how he told you, while he was still in Galilee, that the Son of Man must be delivered into the hands of sinful men and be crucified and on the third day rise. And they remembered his words." Luke 24:5-7

Marriage

I LOVE being married! It's something I thought about and wished for since I was about 7. I'll admit, even as a little girl I was boy crazy. I don't think it was necessarily about the hormones, I just loved the feeling of having somebody be smitten with me - or more realistically, I would wish that they would be smitten with me. I spent years and years thinking about who God had for me, and when we would meet, and how. I would visualize how he would fit in with my family and how I would have someone to share all the wonderful things in my life, and the memories that my family makes. Christmas, birthdays, new babies. It was almost all-consuming.

Then I got older and realized that good men like my father and brothers were rare and hard to find. And if you did find one - darn it, they were already taken! I had high standards. But I think that was my saving grace to keep me waiting for the right one. It was hard to wait. I hated it. I can't tell you how many times I cried myself to sleep because I felt so lonely. For years I lived alone, worked 2 jobs, and each night went home to a dog and rabbit. I was in friends' weddings, and while I of course was happy for them, it was easy to feel sorry for myself. When would I ever find that too? I never wanted to be a career woman. All my life I just wanted to be a wife and mother, and have people to nurture, and who needed me. I knew my friends and family loved me, but no one really needed me. Not like a spouse or children would.

Finally, fall 2007, God gave me my dream man. Really! I had to wait until I was nearly 28 to find him. As I continue to learn about trusting God's timing with children, I think about His perfect timing to bring Troy and I together. I look back and see how he was preparing us for each other, to be in a place we could quickly commit and marry. We both had things to work through, and lessons to learn before we were ready to meet. But when we did - oh my, like a fairy tale come true! I remember when our relationship was getting serious (all of 4 weeks after we met), I was in my bedroom one day sitting on my bed, and thinking about Troy. I was thinking to myself "Okay, if I married him, what would I be compromising on that I always wanted in a husband? What would I be giving up?" And you know, I couldn't think of ONE THING. Not one thing. He literally was everything I had always wanted! He has a wonderful family that I am so glad I married into, he is kind, he is good, he is faithful and loyal. He brings out the best in me, and loves me even when he sees the worst in me. He is so patient. He loves Jesus and encourages me in my walk with the Lord. I trust him with everything.

Let me tell you, in all my fantasizing of what marriage would be like, the real thing is even better. I get to have a slumber party every day with my best friend! I love that most nights I go to bed with my face hurting from laughing so hard. I love that we spend the cold, dark evenings at home in our pajamas, cuddled on the couch with our dogs, watching tv and playing cribbage or yahtzee. When I feel extra chatty, Troy politely sits there and listens to me talk his ear off. He even will ask questions so that I feel important and know he is paying attention to me, even if all I am talking about is candles (I have an obsession). He loves my family like I do, and every get-together is so much more fun than it was before, because I finally have my other half there to share it with. I no longer drive home by myself, but now get to ride with Troy and re-hash the funny things that happened. He has my back, and I have his. We're a team. Partners. Friends. Lovers. BFFs.

The downside to the wonderfulness of marital bliss? It's terrifying to love someone so much. I can't imagine if I lost him. I know a piece of me would die as well. I think I would have to eat sedatives like candy because otherwise I would go crazy. How could I not have him to talk to every day? How would I ever again sleep without him beside me? I mean, I cry now thinking about taking a weekend trip next week and the fact that I won't get to see him for over 24 hours . Extreme? Perhaps. But I waited a long time for this man! He knows things about me no one else does.

So, as badly as I want to be a mother, overall I really am content to just be a wife at this time. I know that this is the only time in our lives that it will just be the 2 of us. Because even when the children are grown, we will still be parents and our love and attention is shared with them. I do appreciate and take time to enjoy sleeping in on the weekends, doing whatever we want without much planning, and the quiet of our home. Someday that will all be traded in, and sometimes I am afraid that maybe I will hate it. But I have never talked to a mother who regrets having children, so I have to think I will be the same way. The known is a bit safer than the unknown, and I do love what I have now: a good man, who I love with every breath in me, and a blessed life.

"I have found the one whom my soul loves"