Blessings!

Okay, my 2nd day being 30 and I guess it isn't so bad ;-) I was so touched yesterday by people's thoughtfulness to write, call, text, or even give me a gift! I was amazed, and felt humbled. I don't feel like I am that thoughtful to others, so it is a good reminder to try and be better about that kind of thing.

My husband gave me one of the most amazing gifts ever that I'm sure I will never forget! He blessed me by using his hard-earned bonus to buy me an incredible camera! It's the Canon Rebel xs with 10 megapixels - amazing! I used to really be into photography and have missed getting to do that. Now that we have a good computer, I was anxious to get a new digital camera so I can play around with photos. I never dreamed he would be so generous with his gift to me! He's got to be one of the best husbands ever and I'm so glad he's mine!

This morning I took an early pregnancy test in the hopes that I would still get one more wonderful birthday gift. Negative. Again. I cried. Now I am in the process of praying what God would have me do. Should I continue with my efforts to do everything I can to put it out of my mind and just know it will happen when it happens? Or should we use methods to "try" more? It is so tiring to cry every month. I really ache for women who do this for years. I'm only 3 months into this and I feel discouraged!

So, once again I stood in the shower, took my few minutes to cry and feel sorry for myself, then wiped my tears and began singing a faith-filled song to God (er, did I just admit that I sing in the shower?). I really don't want to be foolish and miss the good things that are happening in my life right now. I have a friend who is pregnant and whose due date is a week before what mine would have been if I hadn't miscarried. I'm happy for her, but I have to admit it hurts my heart a bit to see her cute little belly and hear about how she can feel the baby move now. It makes me so anxious to have that! I also recently found out about another friend who is pregnant, and another who is having twins. Two others are having babies next month. And somehow, that makes me feel left behind and kind of lonely.

I know, I know, it's ONLY been 3 months. But 3 months is starting to feel like forever. How many more months will I hold my breath and pray to see that second pink line? How many more months will I cry before I do? And when it finally does happen, you better believe I will be praying that my body will do what it's supposed to and grow a healthy baby, because another miscarriage might just push me over the edge into crazy-town! My mother had 9 and I don't know how she did it. How she NEVER gave up faith! I hope to be that kind of woman too - only without all of the miscarriages, of course. But, maybe that's the only way you get there.

I hope that through all of this something beautiful is growing in me. And I don't just mean the life of a child. I mean my life, and my spirit. I hope I am learning to love what is good and hate what is evil. To know without a doubt that my God can move mountains if I only have the faith to ask Him. To hang onto the words He has given me, and the knowledge that He keeps His promises. To realize that faith is being SURE of what we HOPE for, and CERTAIN of what we do NOT see. If faith like that was easy, everyone would do it.

Yes, God is still growing something inside me. And I think I know what it is. It's love for Him and joy for my future. I think it's faith that is stronger every day, and hope that I cling to with everything in me. Its gratitude for what I have now, and contentment for the joys of today.

Today, I am 30. I have lived 30 blessed years, and I am so fortunate. Someday, I WILL see that second pink line, and I will finally cry tears of joy.

"...to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor." Isaiah 61:3