Self-Discipline

You know how people sometimes ask the question "If you could change anything about yourself, what would it be"? Well, my answer is always the same - if it's a physical change, I hate my legs. But if it's a personality change, I wish it would be easier for me to be self-disciplined. All my life I have struggled with it, and God bless my mother's soul if she didn't work hard to try and instill it in me! But it just. doesn't. come. naturally.

Growing up, my mom worked really hard to help me learn it. I had to do things like get up at 6:30 in the morning to practice my piano for 30 minutes (in the meantime, it ruined my brother's life - just ask him about that) before school, which I HATED! But, you would have thought that the reward of not having to worry about it when I got home would have made it worth it. It didn't. Every weekend I had great plans of doing my homework on Friday, so that it would be done. But despite my good intentions you would find me starting it at 7:00 on Sunday night. I was constantly in trouble for not keeping my room clean, and to this day if you come over to my house unexpectadly, you will find my bed unmade and clothes on the floor.

It's frustrating, and sometimes I am concerned that I won't be a good mother because the hard work and self-discipline don't come easy to me. I'm not a morning person. At all. Every morning when I get up for work I think about how I need a job that doesn't start at least until 10:00. But I know that once we have a baby, he/she isn't going to care that I need and love my sleep. I know there will be nights where I just will not feel like making a healthy dinner, but that my family deserves and needs me to take care of them. And so I wonder if I really am cut out to have children, and if I can do a good job raising them.

Don't get me wrong, I know I do have my strengths. I'm a great worker at my job and my desk is left spotless every day when I go home. I have always been that way. And I hate a dirty bathroom, so 9 out of 10 times, if you show up at my house and surprise me by asking to use my bathroom, I won't feel embarrassed to say okay. And Troy has helped me get into the habit of keeping our living room clean and presentable as well.

I have to say my pets have also been good as I work to be self-disciplined. Lucy (our big dog) NEEDS opportunity to run and be walked daily (or almost daily). After a long day at work, rarely do I feel like loading them up and taking them somewhere for a hike or walk. But I do, because I know it's in their best interest and they will happier, healthier dogs. I have become more active outdoors since we got Lucy, and I'm grateful. She gets me going and I have learned to love at least one form of exercise - hiking! If it wasn't for her, I probably wouldn't go even 1/3 as often as I do now. I can thank her for helping me shed my winter chub every spring and summer!

I guess I pray that when we do have a baby, we will have the opportunity for me to stay home. Because maybe if I don't have to share my time and focus on an office job, the care for my home and my family will become that and I will excel in it as I do with my current work. I hope my nurturing instincts will kick in and it will be easier for me to be disciplined with the care of my child, because I will love it so much. I hope. But it still is a concern and makes me not like myself very much. I guess it is these weaknesses that just show me how much I need God, and how I am a CONSTANT work in progress! As are my legs.

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, of love, and of self-discipline." 2 Timothy 1:7