Marriage

I LOVE being married! It's something I thought about and wished for since I was about 7. I'll admit, even as a little girl I was boy crazy. I don't think it was necessarily about the hormones, I just loved the feeling of having somebody be smitten with me - or more realistically, I would wish that they would be smitten with me. I spent years and years thinking about who God had for me, and when we would meet, and how. I would visualize how he would fit in with my family and how I would have someone to share all the wonderful things in my life, and the memories that my family makes. Christmas, birthdays, new babies. It was almost all-consuming.

Then I got older and realized that good men like my father and brothers were rare and hard to find. And if you did find one - darn it, they were already taken! I had high standards. But I think that was my saving grace to keep me waiting for the right one. It was hard to wait. I hated it. I can't tell you how many times I cried myself to sleep because I felt so lonely. For years I lived alone, worked 2 jobs, and each night went home to a dog and rabbit. I was in friends' weddings, and while I of course was happy for them, it was easy to feel sorry for myself. When would I ever find that too? I never wanted to be a career woman. All my life I just wanted to be a wife and mother, and have people to nurture, and who needed me. I knew my friends and family loved me, but no one really needed me. Not like a spouse or children would.

Finally, fall 2007, God gave me my dream man. Really! I had to wait until I was nearly 28 to find him. As I continue to learn about trusting God's timing with children, I think about His perfect timing to bring Troy and I together. I look back and see how he was preparing us for each other, to be in a place we could quickly commit and marry. We both had things to work through, and lessons to learn before we were ready to meet. But when we did - oh my, like a fairy tale come true! I remember when our relationship was getting serious (all of 4 weeks after we met), I was in my bedroom one day sitting on my bed, and thinking about Troy. I was thinking to myself "Okay, if I married him, what would I be compromising on that I always wanted in a husband? What would I be giving up?" And you know, I couldn't think of ONE THING. Not one thing. He literally was everything I had always wanted! He has a wonderful family that I am so glad I married into, he is kind, he is good, he is faithful and loyal. He brings out the best in me, and loves me even when he sees the worst in me. He is so patient. He loves Jesus and encourages me in my walk with the Lord. I trust him with everything.

Let me tell you, in all my fantasizing of what marriage would be like, the real thing is even better. I get to have a slumber party every day with my best friend! I love that most nights I go to bed with my face hurting from laughing so hard. I love that we spend the cold, dark evenings at home in our pajamas, cuddled on the couch with our dogs, watching tv and playing cribbage or yahtzee. When I feel extra chatty, Troy politely sits there and listens to me talk his ear off. He even will ask questions so that I feel important and know he is paying attention to me, even if all I am talking about is candles (I have an obsession). He loves my family like I do, and every get-together is so much more fun than it was before, because I finally have my other half there to share it with. I no longer drive home by myself, but now get to ride with Troy and re-hash the funny things that happened. He has my back, and I have his. We're a team. Partners. Friends. Lovers. BFFs.

The downside to the wonderfulness of marital bliss? It's terrifying to love someone so much. I can't imagine if I lost him. I know a piece of me would die as well. I think I would have to eat sedatives like candy because otherwise I would go crazy. How could I not have him to talk to every day? How would I ever again sleep without him beside me? I mean, I cry now thinking about taking a weekend trip next week and the fact that I won't get to see him for over 24 hours . Extreme? Perhaps. But I waited a long time for this man! He knows things about me no one else does.

So, as badly as I want to be a mother, overall I really am content to just be a wife at this time. I know that this is the only time in our lives that it will just be the 2 of us. Because even when the children are grown, we will still be parents and our love and attention is shared with them. I do appreciate and take time to enjoy sleeping in on the weekends, doing whatever we want without much planning, and the quiet of our home. Someday that will all be traded in, and sometimes I am afraid that maybe I will hate it. But I have never talked to a mother who regrets having children, so I have to think I will be the same way. The known is a bit safer than the unknown, and I do love what I have now: a good man, who I love with every breath in me, and a blessed life.

"I have found the one whom my soul loves"