Change is SCARY!!!!

At least, for me it is. I don't do well with change. I never have. I remember when I was young, crying because my parents got rid of a beloved red sofa and chair. I didn't want new furniture, i wanted the same old familiar couch that I used to sit on the back of and pretend it was my horse (oh yes, there are pictures!). I cried when my dad sold one of our cars. Every time. It didn't matter that we would get a new, possibly nicer one. I wanted the OLD one. It was change, and I hated it.

Two years ago my parents did a huge remodel of their home, and, you guessed it - I cried. It was tough. Sometimes it still is. I'm very nostalgic you see, and sometimes I want to go back to my old bedroom and remember "the good old days", but I can't. It's gone. Oh, I understand the reality of everything, and how change is necessary, but it doesn't mean that it is easy for me to handle. Sometimes Troy wants to rearrange the furniture and that baffles me. Why change it? The furniture is great the way it is. I know where everything is at and my little comfort zone doesn't have to be pushed.

So, occasionally, and lately, I have panic attacks. You see, my life is on the brink of one of the most massive changes EVER!!! I'm. Having. A. Baby. A BABY!!! A child. I'll be someone's mother. A little person that is forever linked to me. It won't just be about me and Troy anymore. No more doing what WE want, when we want. No more just throwing the dogs into the car and going for a drive. No more (*tears*) sleeping in as late as we want!!! Ach! So scary!

Of course it's what I want, and everyone says it will be the best thing we've done, but it still is terrifying. From financial stress to the responsibility of being in charge of another human being, more than anything it is CHANGING my life. Forever. What if I give everything to this child and one day it turns around and tells me it hates me? What if our personalities don't click and my own flesh and blood annoys the heck out of me? Does this ever happen?

I just pray that God will prepare me as best He can for this massive change and that I will daily remain thankful for it. It's strange to even see how my body is changing. I share it now. I think about what I put into my mouth, and even what I say. Little ears are listening now, or at least will be soon. I want it to always know that even though change is so scary for it's mommy, this life was prayed for and wanted. And I pray also that God will help me prepare for the ever-moving roller coaster we are just getting started on!

Thanksgiving

Well, it is Thanksgiving weekend and we have SO much to be thankful for! A warm, safe house. A fantastic family. A God who is so loving and gracious and keeps all His promises. The best husband I could have ever hoped for. Good jobs. Good doctors and medicine. The list could go on and on. But of course I also am so grateful for this so-far healthy pregnancy! Sometimes it still doesn't seem real. I am now 9 weeks and starting on my third month!

I did a lot of thinking about this little one recently. All the things I hope for it and desire for it's future. I want it to get all the strengths from its parents, as well as our extended family. I know it doesn't work that way, because if this little one did not have weakness, then it would not need Jesus. But one can always hope, right?? So here is what I was thinking and hoping for our sweet child:

Little one, I pray God will give me and your dad wisdom to teach you these things. I want you to be gentle, kind, humble, and serving like your father. I want you to know about the land and Montana like your great-grandparents the Tatarkas and the Glidewells. I want you to be slow to anger and good to people like your Papa Glidewell. I want you to be intelligent and business-savvy like your Grandpa and Grandma Peissig. I want you to be a hard-worker and optimistic like your Nana and Super Gramps. I want you to be a God-chaser like so many of your aunts and uncles. I want you to crave purity like your Uncle Mark. I want you to be wise like your Uncle Paul. I want you to be sweet and kind like your Aunt Sharla. I want you to be musical like your Uncle Tyson. There are so many other things I could list, but I suppose I will just pray for them as life continues. I will pray for you daily. But please, please, above everything else, I want you to love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and spirit, and follow His perfect plan for your life. May God grant us grace to impart these things to you, so that should you ever stray from His ways, you will find your way back. Or as it says in the Bible "But whether you turn to the left or to the right, your ears will hear a voice behind you saying, 'this is the way, walk in it'."

6 Weeks and Counting -

Well, God has seemed to show me mercy and at least for now has answered my prayer to keep this baby! After 5 days of not-so-good symptoms, a blood test, and lessons in peace and faith, all is well at this time. Friday marked 6 weeks pregnant and half-way through my first trimester! Next Monday is our first official doctor appointment and ultrasound. I never got that far with my last pregnancy, so I can't even wrap my mind around what it will be like to (hopefully!) see a tiny beating heart, and know that there really is a life inside me.

If the blood tests weren't enough confirmation for me that I am pregnant, I suppose I now can trust all the symptoms I am having. The tears that come to my eyes every time I accidentally hit myself in my "upper extremity" (trying to be tactful here in case my father or brothers read this- hee hee) or clutch something a little too tight, the strong waves of nausea that for no reason like to come upon me any time of the day which leave me dry-heaving and gagging, my incredible sense of smell which often starts the gagging again, and the desire to sleep 18 of the 24 hours in my day. But I really don't want to complain. Because it is what I have been wanting since February of this last year. It means my body is doing an amazing thing and I thank God for giving me these great symptoms to remind me He is faithful and merciful.

I of course still fight every day the fear that I am going to miscarry again. Every time I feel a twinge in my abdomen I worry that it means I have an ectopic pregnancy. If I am not feeling sick or tired, I worry it's a bad sign. How do God and Troy put up with me???

Overall though, I have learned a great lesson in peace and handing control over to God. As I wrote last time, accepting what I can not change (or control). This baby has been so prayed over that I know if I lose it, it is part of a greater plan. It is no accident - just as it's conception has been no accident. But I will continue to plan and hope that all will be fine and in about 7.5 months I will finally see the face of the child I have been praying for. I am praying for it constantly - that it will love Jesus and make this world a better place. Anything else beyond that will be frosting on the cake. Hopefully someday it will read these entries and know how wanted it is and was. It is so precious and I am so honored that for today, God has entrusted me with one of His beautiful creations. For however long I get to keep it, I will happily do so.

Serenity Prayer -

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." I have had a new sense of peace since my last post. I have not miscarried yet, but still am having symptoms. Tomorrow I go in to have my levels checked. If they are high and right on track, then I will know that everything is fine for the time being, but if they are low, then I will have to prepare myself that my body is probably miscarrying. It's tough. But it is something I can not change, therefore I must accept it for what it is. I think I was becoming too drained stressing and worrying about it 24/7. I wasn't sleeping. I was crying all of the time. And nothing has happened yet! I still have a chance of it being okay!

The only thing I want more than this baby is God's perfect plan for our family. I want to tell of His great faithfulness no matter the outcome. Because He IS faithful. I read a quote recently that I printed out and have it hanging on our refridgerater. It says "Love of God is pure when joy and suffering inspire an equal degree of gratitude." I want to live that daily.

So, needless to say I still am a bit nervous for tomorrow's test. I find myself thinking "what if it's bad news?". But then at the same time I have ask "but what if it's good news?". And ultimately, no matter what my eyes see, my God is in complete control and He is faithful. And helping me accept what I can not change.

He IS my Healer -

"You hold my every moment,
You calm my raging sea.
You walk with me through fire,
and heal all my disease.

I trust in You, I trust in You....

I believe You're my healer.
I believe You are all I need.
I believe, You're my portion.
I believe, You're more than enough for me,
Jesus You're all I need."

Anyone who reads this, I would ask for your prayers. I found out last weekend that I am indeed pregnant again. I had two blood tests done this past week, and as of yesterday everything was looking good. However I got up this morning and am experiencing miscarriage symptoms now. I am terrified, heartbroken, but doing my best to walk in faith. Please walk along with me. He IS my Healer, so I hope He chooses now to heal my body. But if not, we will walk through it, and we will keep trying.

And so, healing comes...

I think the passing of my "due date" was in a way good closure for me. Ever since that day I have felt more content, more at peace. Happy with what I have now. Don't get me wrong, I still want a baby sometimes more than I want breath, but it is easier to be patient now, and just say "in God's timing". I still feel my heart hurting a little bit when I see my friends with their new babies. But after debating if I should grab the baby and run for it, I am able to tell myself that someday it will be my turn.

In the meantime, I have put a lot more effort into my marriage and into taking care of my body. I have been reading the book "The Power of a Praying Wife", and really am learning a lot. I want to make sure my marriage is strong and has a good foundation so that we can not only survive having a baby together, but thrive while doing it. God has already answered one prayer of mine - He has brought me peace and healing. He has given me the most incredible man I can ever fathom walking through life with. He has given me the cutest little chihuahua that has been a great companion over the last 8 years of my life. He has given me two goofy Rhodesian Ridgeback mixes that make me laugh every day and bring so much joy. They make me feel loved, and in a way give me a nurturing outlet.

I really do love my life. I'm ready for the next stage, but shouldn't be quick to pass up on this one. Marriage is so fun and until that baby day comes, I have three "babies" at home who need me and make me smile.

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him." (My baby verse!)

September 26th -

Tomorrow. The date is a unique one for me now. Tomorrow would have been my due date. Or, was my due date I guess. Time goes so fast I can't believe it has already been almost 8 months since the fun surprise of seeing that immediate positive sign show up on the home pregnancy test. I think about that night a lot, and all the emotions I had. Fear, excitement, surprise, awe. Every month since then I have begged God to let me feel that again. And I guess in a way I have.

Fear - I'm afraid I'll never have the family I have dreamed about since I was a little girl playing with Cabbage Patch dolls. Afraid I am finally going to get pregnant again, only to lose it again. Afraid of more pain in my future.

Excitement - I AM excited to see what God has for me, because it must be SOMETHING! What is He preparing me for? What does He know that I have yet to find out? Surely He wouldn't have created me to be this way if I was never to have children, right?

Surprise - Surprises aren't always fun - I continue to feel surprised that I am not with child yet. But also surprised by the love I feel for my husband, and the joy and contentment I have most days of knowing that at this time our family consists of just the 2 of us with 3 goofy dogs who make me laugh.

Awe - I am awed at how good and gracious my God is to me. I really am thankful for my life and awed by the blessings I have. I do not deserve any of them.

So, tomorrow brings with it it's own mix of emotions. Truthfully, I will probably shed a few tears tomorrow. For what I lost and for what might have been. For the unfairness of life and the pain that comes with reality and growing up. For the frustration of not knowing what God wants from me as I wait for a dream fulfilled. Maybe this is all I will have? Am I ready to accept that if it is? Am I spoiled or ungrateful if I continue to ask for more, or is that what God wants me to do? Jesus, what do you want from this heart of mine???

Yes, dear little one who lived for such a short time in my tummy, I think about you a lot. I still miss you. I wonder what your purpose was, and why I never got to meet you. I wonder how it is you came about in the first place and why we can't seem to recreate that. I wonder if you really are with my Gramps or how all that works. I believe you were a life at conception and I will probably always continue to wonder about you until the day I can ask God himself. And, I will never forget you. You changed something inside of me and I'm not sure yet if I am grateful for it, or resentful. Sometimes I do wish I had never known your existence. I didn't know how much I wanted you until you were gone, and sent me on a path I still am walking, waiting to see where it leads.

Two Years!

Wow, it has already been two years since my wonderful, exciting, fun, joyful wedding day! I loved our wedding - kind of a bummer that you only get to do it once. As usual, there are always a few things that looking back I think I would change. My veil, for example. I loved my veil, but it was longer than I wanted, and in my photos it is sometimes hard to look at because it bugs me so badly. Another HUGE regret is our photographer. He is a very nice person, and very good at taking portraits, but that was not the kind of pictures I wanted for our wedding. It's been two years, and I still have not ordered any pictures because it makes me cry to look at them - not in a good way. I know as time goes by and life goes on, I will care less, but for now it is still a painful regret.

Things we did for our wedding that I did love and would not change? My dress! I looooooved my dress and felt like a princess in it. Same with all of my accessories - loved my shoes, my head piece (made by a patient and purchased for $25.00), and my jewelry. I wore the pearl necklace that my father gave my mother for their wedding, and was worn by my sister at her wedding, as well as my sister-in-law. Very special. I wore something old (necklace), something new (dress), something borrowed (also necklace), and something blue (a garter). It was so fun and special to be a bride!

We had a huge wedding but I loved it. As I said to Troy just yesterday, "Hey, you only do it once - might as well make it big!". Truthfully, when it came time for our ceremony, and we were up on the stage with just our attendants and my uncle who performed the ceremony, I was not aware of anyone else in the room. It seemed like it was only Troy and I, exchanging our vows and making a lifelong promise to stand beside each other, for better or for worse.

And, we have had to work to keep those vows. Most days it's easy. I would say, 99/100 days it's easy. But over the last 2 years, we certainly have had to work harder some days. Particularly, the last 8 months. In the last 8 months we have faced financial stress due to the economy, a miscarriage, the struggle to get pregnant again, deaths including my grandfather, and learning to deal with homeownership, particularly when things go wrong. Believe me, there have been days that I thought "wow, marriage is harder than I thought it would be!". But most days I also have the thought "wow, marriage is even better than I thought it would be!". I am blessed to have a man who serves me joyfully, is faithful physically, emotionally, and mentally to me alone, desires to be the husband God has created him to be, and even on our worst days he holds me and tells me he loves me. And then I know that we can work through anything. As long as we make faithfulness to each other and to God above everything else, we can make it. And not just "survive' marriage, but thrive and enjoy it.

Two years has flown by and I am so happy. Happy to have a man perfectly created for me, and to be the wife of a man so wonderful. I love him more than anything except my God, and can't wait to write about our third happy year together! Happy anniversary Troy! I love you and thank you for choosing me to be your wife!

Yahoo! It's Almost Autumn!!!

My favorite, favorite, time of year is right around the corner! Thanks to Montana weather, I even got to wear a sweater today! I love Fall so much, I get silly giddy and my stomach does little flip-flops! Summer is fine and is fun, but when a person works full-time, it's not as much fun. I like summer evenings, and I like when I have a free weekend day and can spend it with all my family out at my parents' house, but other than that it really doesn't do much for me any more. I haven't been to the fair in years, did not even put a swimming suit on this year, and there are no summer vacations for us. So, as I said, it really does nothing for me.

Fall though! Now we're talking! Beautiful color changes outside, dark cozy mornings and evenings, bright, crisp, blue sky wihout uncomfortable heat, and the SMELLS! Oh, wonderful! I think for me, I love the coziness of it all. I love putting on pants and a soft sweater when getting ready for work in the mornings. I love getting to the office and making a big cup of hot coffee or cider, and sitting down at my desk and turning the space heater on. I love to go home for lunch and put something yummy in the crock pot like chili, or stew, or chicken and rice, so that the house smells divine when we get home after work! I love bundling up a bit and taking a walk, then coming home and putting pajamas on, lighting candles that smell like pumpkin or spices, and cuddling on the couch with my hubby and dogs to play cribbage or watch tv.

I love the anticipation and excitement of the upcoming holidays. Yes, even Halloween! I love getting pumpkins, decorating the house with them and leaves, and watching the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown classic! Then after Halloween comes Thanksgiving, which is a whole other blog, as is Christmas!!! I am pretty much giddy from September through December. I love it!

Proof that even though tears may last for a night, there will always be some joy that comes in the morning, and always something to look forward to. God is gracious to me. I don't know what my future holds, but I know the One who holds my future (yes, I stole that line). He is more faithful than the changing seasons, and keeps all His promises. Today I am feeling full of joy and looking forward to this next season with great anticipation. Both literally and figuratively :-)

Tough Days -

Yesterday was a hard day for my heart. We went to my grandfather and step-grandmother's house in Lincoln to fulfill one of my Gramps' last wishes - that the family would get together for a big steak dinner and remember him. And laugh. Well, we did laugh. But also cried. His wife had a lot of his clothes and some special belongings out for us to look at and hopefully take home with us. I lost it when I picked up a bathrobe of his and smelled it. It smelled like him and just about every memory I had of him came rushing back in that moment. That bathrobe came home with us and I wore it all last night and some of this morning. I didn't put it back on after my shower because I did not want it to smell like my lotion. i want it to smell like Gramps for as long as possible. My husband is built similar to my Gramps so he has been able to keep and wear some of his shoes, shirts, and hats. I love seeing them on him, yet it is also so strange. Death is so hard. What would a person do without the hope of Heaven? Without the peace that you will someday see your loved ones, providing they have acknowledged Christ as their Savior?

Yesterday also marked another month not pregnant. Worse than that, we had a false positive earlier in the week, so I feel like my heart is extra crushed. I want a baby so badly. Its so consuming that I no longer can just fall asleep at night. Instead I lie awake and beg God to put a life inside me. I cry quietly so my husband won't know how much it consumes my every thought and prayer. I think about how I would be close to giving birth if I had not miscarried back in January. I wonder if we will ever have the opportunity to use our extra bedrooms in this house, or how much "help" we are going to need to fulfill this girl's life-long dreams. And if they ever will be fulfilled. I try to imagine what it would be like to never have children and if I could handle that. Or what if we have opportunity to adopt but I never experience pregnancy. Could I be okay with that? It makes me realize, I don't JUST want a child - I want to experience pregnancy and the marvel of watching God take Troy's and my DNA and create a new life. Maybe I still would someday adopt, but I know that I do absolutely want to experience the joy, sickness, fear, fatigue, and everything else that comes with being pregnant. I did have it for a few weeks, and I LOVED every moment of it. I had just a taste, but I want more than that.

So, blame hormones, but it has been a weepy weekend for me. I try to always be happy, but when Troy asked me how I felt last night, all I could honestly say was "sad". I was sad. I was missing my grandfather, hating death, and mourning the fact that my womb is empty. I know it is all a part of life, and believe me, I KNOW I have much to be grateful for! But sometimes, I just have a tough day. And yesterday was one of them.

Slacker!

Okay, I am a slacker at this blogging thing lately!!! Definitely a few things of interest have happened lately. NO, I'm not pregnant :-( But sadly my baby bug does seem to be increasing. *sigh* Patience is SO HARD!!! I sit and wonder why it is that some women get pregnant at the drop of a hat, and others, like me, have to work so hard for it. Then of course it isn't just about getting pregnant, but also praying that once you are pregnant you make it 9 months without anything happening. Or even 8 months. I have to believe that it is God's plan for us to have children when His timing is perfect. But oh, my heart aches every time I see a woman with a baby or a cute little pregnant belly. Sometimes it feels like someone is literally taking my heart and squeezing it super tight. Sometimes it gets squeezed so tight that tears leak out of my eyes!

I have started the supplements the doctor gave me, but one month in it has seemed that it's not doing what it is supposed to. They want me to come back in and do further testing but I have decided to wait a couple of months before doing that. First off, I am not ready to put $300 down for it, and secondly, I emotionally feel like I need a break before starting a whole new procedure. And I guess thirdly, I still believe that God can heal my body without having to do expensive testing and procedures, and I want to give Him time to do that. Perhaps we still will have to continue on with medical help, but I will make that decision in another month or so.

Meanwhile, I can't help but think that I would have been 8 months pregnant now. Such a strange thought. And I never dreamed that it would take this long before getting pregnant again. I truly thought I would have spent this summer planning for a baby, even after the miscarriage. It would be easy for me to wallow in self-pity but I really do work to enjoy all the other blessings my life has right now, even without a baby. I still am blessed, and the easiest way to keep your heart from becoming hard and angry is to maintain a thankful attitude. Life certainly could be much worse!!!

Our 2-year anniversary is coming up next weekend and I am so thankful for the wonderful man who stands beside me and puts up with all my emotional drama (thank you hormones!). But I know myself and I know that I won't quit praying that at our 3 year anniversary our family will have expanded to more than just another new dog (oh yes, we did!). Because, as discouraged as I get, I still am an eternal optimist who believes my God gives us the desires of hearts! So, twins then Lord? ;-)

Answers!

Last week I felt like light shone down on me, filling me with hope and excitement for the first time in 6 months! It would seem we have an answer to what caused my miscarriage, and why I have been unable to get pregnant since then! It is an easy, inexpensive fix, and unless God determines otherwise, should work! Long story short, and without getting TOO personal, I have a hormone defiency which was causing all sorts of frustrations for me, even the pregnancy part aside.

Amazing how our bodies are made - everything to work perfectly with each other. And when just one small thing is off, it's crazy to see the long list of problems and side effects that are caused by it. We certainly are "fearfully and wonderfully" made.

My stomach flip-flops to think that maybe now, after all this waiting, our time of getting pregnant and carrying it 9 months could be just around the corner! I have wanted this so badly for so long (really, all my life!), but it still is so terrifying! And, of course, I continue to battle a little bit of fear that this still won't work, and/or I will miscarry again anyway. But, I have far less apprehension than before, and am finally feeling excited for our future!

Thank you Lord for the wisdom of doctors, the ability to receive care, and the fact that You have everything in Your hands. At the end of the day, God still holds my world, and determines what comes our way because we have asked Him to take control of our lives. I still have to work on not fighting for control, and letting things come or go. We aren't there yet, but the journey has at least become much more enjoyable!

Is Adoption Right For Us?

Troy and I are considering adoption. Maybe I should be more specific - Troy and I are considering adopting a DOG! ;-) Ha! Gotcha! Truthfully though, we are. And even though it is just a pet, it's still a big decision. We have 2 dogs already. Well, sorta. We have one true dog, and one dog that really is more like a cat. The cat-dog would be most happy if we never made her go for walks, gave her full access to the garbages, and let her sleep on our laps all day long. Our dog-dog needs a playmate, as the cat-dog will have nothing to with her. Unless, you call the cat-dog biting the dog-dog's ankles and stealing her treats and bed "interaction" or "playing". We call it playing because it makes the cat-dog sound nicer than she is.

Since our dog-dog (hereinafter "Lucy") is a Ridgeback mix and acts/looks like a full-blooded one, we have come to admire, enjoy, and appreciate the breed. However, if we were ever to purchase a purebred from a breeder, they are easily $1,000.00 - too much for us to spend on a pet. So we have been looking into the "Ridgeback Rescue" places in hopes of maybe getting one that way. Plus, we can feel like good citizens for rescuing a dog and giving it a good home. I randomly check the sites and scan the adoptable dogs, to see if there are any that stand out to me. Well, about a month ago, one did. Her name is Melody, she is 6-years old, and has the sweetest little face that melted my heart.

The process of adopting a rescue dog is hilarious. Truly, it mirrors adopting a child. First, I had to fill out a very long and detailed application, with questions like "why do you feel a Ridgeback is the right breed for your family? where would the dog sleep? would you use a crate, and why or why not? what books have you read on dog training and/or on Ridgebacks?". Next, we wait for our phone interview, which we finally had about 2-3 weeks after submitting the application. The same person who did our interview then proceeded to call our 3 references we were required to put down on our application, including our vet. Finally, I was allowed to speak with Melody's "foster" mom yesterday and learn more about the dog. Oh, and did I mention we are waiting for our home check now? Yes, that's right - a home check. If we pass our home check this weekend, Melody's foster mom would drive her over from Billings the following weekend. So we potentially could have her in less than 2 weeks!!!

Several things brought us to the point of considering another dog. A) Lucy would LOVE a playmate, B) I am a crazy animal person who would run a zoo if Troy would let me, C) Being MT, I do hike a lot by myself and truly would feel safer having 2 big dogs with me (Ridgebacks are considered to be very protective of their home and family, but not aggressive guard dogs, so a great balance), and D) Sincerely, I needed something to distract me from thinking about the fact that after 6 months of "trying", I still am not pregnant.

So, no decisions have been made yet with Melody. She is a very sweet dog, great with children and other dogs, however she does have issues. She was a breeder in a puppy mill set up, and is used to a life of just living in a crate. Because of it, she has anxiety with being confined, and is having to learn to use the yard for her bathroom. She is not used to walks, or acting like a "real" dog, and the world is still a very scary place for her. However, she does seem to be improving.

With those issues, we understand that taking her in would be a lot of work, especially at first. We have no doubt she would be worth it, but just analyzing if we truly have the time to give her what she needs. Could she ever be "normal"? Would she be a good buddy for Lucy? Would she ever really bond to us?

I must keep myself from looking at her pictures because otherwise all logical thinking goes away, and when I see that sweet face, I just want to love her and make her mine. Heck, after going through all of this, maybe we should have just adopted a child!

Wifinghood -

To add to my list of loves, I LOVE being a wife! I know I have written before about how much I love marriage, but even more than that I love being a wife! And even more than that, I love being TROY'S wife! Wife. Wow, a title that for so many years I didn't think I would have. I remember right after we got married I had to exchange something for Troy, and LOVED telling the sales clerk that "my husband" didn't care for whatever it was. I must have found a way to slip the word "husband" into the conversation every sentence or so. Wonder if it was that or the extra sparkly ring that gave away the fact I was a newlywed? I think about that moment sometimes and even though I am coming up on our 2 year anniversary, I hope that the thrill of calling him my husband never fades.

The best part of being a wife is..... everything! Actually, it really is for me! It is everything I always wanted. I love cleaning the house when Troy is gone so that when he comes home I know it smells good and looks good. I try to always meet him at the door with a hug and kiss, no matter what else I am doing when he gets home, so that he feels welcomed home and king of his castle (so to speak). I don't always accomplish it, but I try! I love doing his laundry and making sure he has everything he needs to get through the day/week. I love planning dinners and finding recipes I think he will like. I still love writing my new last name, and I get butterflies in my stomach when I see things addressed to "Mr. and Mrs."

Of course, much of the credit goes to Troy. He is a wonderful husband! He always notices my efforts and expresses appreciation. When he compliments me or something I did, I feel like a child beaming over a parent's praise. I always want him to be so proud of me, our home, and our marriage. And on the days I do fail - like not getting a shirt washed that he wanted to wear, or I didn't get to the grocery store so popcorn is dinner, or the house looks like a hurricane tore through, he never acts annoyed. He encourages me that everything is fine, it's not a big deal, and then he helps me get back on track. But I feel so much peace when I know I have done everything for him that I can.

I take it seriously to have the job of being his partner and encourager. I believe God created me for Troy, to be his friend and his helper. I believe my job is to make Troy's life easier and help him accomplish all he sets out to do, and all that God calls him to do. I know I don't always make his life easier, and I try to make up for those times. I never want to be a burden - only a blessing. I never want to be a nagful wife, but a wife who loves her husband for who he is. Good or bad, that's him, and I made a lifetime commitment.

As you all know, I am anxious to have another title - mother. But that is another time and another post. I have been blessed to be a wife almost 2 years, and every day I pray the novelty never wears off. I hope in 20 years people still think I am a glowing newlywed. And with the husband God has given me, it is quite possible!

Proverbs 31:10-12 "A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life."

You're Gonna Miss This

So, as I've said before, I love music and the lyrics of music. Today I heard a song for the first time that put into words exactly one of the lessons I am trying to learn. As I have stated before in my posts - I really want to learn to be happy in the here and now, and not rush the future. Because, you never know what the future brings. Last time I wrote that, just a few weeks later my Gramps passed away. Sadly, my words came true - the future does not always bring happiness. So, enjoy the lyrics I wrote out of Trace Adkins "You're Gonna Miss This", and be happy for the blessings of today. I know I am.

"She was staring out that window, of that SUV
Complaining, saying I can't wait to turn 18
She said I'll make my own money, and I'll make my own rules
Mamma put the car in park out there in front of the school
Then she kissed her head and said I was just like you

You're gonna miss this
You're gonna want this back
You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast
These Are Some Good Times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you're gonna miss this

Before she knows it she's a brand new bride
In a one-bedroom apartment, and her daddy stops by
He tells her It's a nice place
She says It'll do for now
Starts talking about babies and buying a house
Daddy shakes his head and says Baby, just slow down

You're gonna miss this
You're gonna want this back
You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast
These Are Some Good Times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you're gonna miss this

Five years later there's a plumber workin' on the water heater
Dog's barkin', phone's ringin'
One kid's cryin', one kid's screamin'
She keeps apologizin'
He says They don't bother me.
I've got 2 babies of my own.
One's 36, one's 23.
Huh, it's hard to believe, but ...

You're gonna miss this
You're gonna want this back
You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast
These Are Some Good Times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you're gonna miss this
You're gonna miss this

Yeah, you're gonna miss this"

Life's Not Fair

Well, it's been a while since I have written on here. Life has been.... busy! My new niece and nephew arrived from Ethiopia (LOVE them!), I took a trip to Cincinnati to visit my BFF (love her too!), and throughout the business I have continued to walk through the loss of my Gramps. I would love to say that in the midst of all that, I got pregnant again, but unfortunately that has not been the case.

Recently I have struggled with the fact that life is not fair. A good example is a lady I know who was surprised to find that she is pregnant. She is not sure if she's excited about it, and has yet to kick her smoking habit as well as other things that are not good for the baby, giving the appearance of feeling apathetic about the pregnancy. A part of me wants to say "really God? this person who doesn't want another child gets pregnant, and I can't?". It makes me want to cry. It makes me want to scream. It's. Not. Fair. But what do mothers tell their children from about the age of 1? "Life's not fair."

What a no-fun lesson to learn! But it's true. I feel like God must get tired of teaching me to be more gracious and patient. I really am trying Lord! Maybe one of these days I will actually pass. I can tell that for each month I'm not pregnant, it gets a little harder to be happy for others who are. And that makes me feel ashamed. I should not have to force myself to smile and say "congrats!", it should be effortless. Although, I really am happy for them! Just sad and a bit jealous that it isn't me. And also confused. Confused why now doesn't seem to be in God's timing for me to get pregnant.

I daily work on my attitude, and I am thankful that through all of my losses, disappointments, and struggles these past 6 months, I have a faithful God I can turn to, and a supportive husband who patiently holds me and lets me cry and vent as much as I need to. I still am a very blessed woman and have much to be thankful. Even when life isn't fair.

My Gramps

Wednesday, May 5, 2010, will go down as one of the hardest days in my life. On that day, my wonderful grandfather (my mom's dad), my Gramps, passed away. It was sort of unexpected, but sort of not. He had been sick the last few months with MRSA, which had caused a blood disorder they could not get control of. Last week the doctors informed us they could not do anything else for him and they were just going to let it do whatever it was going to do. Wednesday morning he started bleeding internally, and we knew that was the end.

It was unexpected because my whole life I have been so proud of my very strong Gramps. When you picture a grandfather, you picture someone kind of fragile, with a soft voice, using a cane or walker. We always chuckled when someone would then meet OUR grandfather. You could see the surprise in their eyes as a 6'2, burly strong man, with the largest hands and feet you've ever seen, and loudest voice you can imagine came barreling into the room. And he was not a shy man. He and my grandmother met when he was in the service during WWII, walked into a dance hall where she was working, tossed his hat to the side and announced "Here I am, you lucky people!" He was charismatic with a capital 'C'! In my mind, my grandfather could do ANYTHING! So when he could not beat this infection, it stunned me.

He was a fighter to the end. Never complained, never surrendered. When the nurse came in and sadly informed us she was going to turn his pace-maker off, we all began to cry. But crying turned to laughter when she later announced it would not shut off! Yep, that's our Gramps - never giving up! If he was afraid to die, he didn't let on. He smiled, chatted, laughed, and loved, right up to his last breath.

My Gramps was a wealth of knowledge. That is part of what makes me cry. What a loss to this world, and the world doesn't even realize it! What information went with my Gramps to his grave? What did we miss out on knowing? I'm sure so much! He was a true Montana mountain man - born and raised on an indian reservation, he grew up riding his horse to school. He was the first hunter safety instructor in Montana. We all grew up understanding and respecting guns as well as nature. He was a blacksmith and could shoe a horse at lightening speed. He was a great cook, and one very special birthday cooked me a delicious meal I will always remember. He fought wars and survived. He once was so badly electrocuted, that any regular man would have died, but of course my Gramps was so big and strong, it was just another thing he lived to tell about. He did beautiful woodwork and made me a jewelry box and cutting boards that I love and cherish. In his late 70's he decided he wanted to learn to play the guitar. So he did! He took lessons and played beautifully. What couldn't my Gramps do? You know what, I can't think of a thing!

He loved his God and loved his family. He was a passionate man who stood firm in his beliefs. His last words to us were a reminder to stand firm in our faith, stay true to the Lord, and live by God's Word. "Be successful in the Lord", is what he said.

When I think of Gramps now, all I can hear is his laugh. Oh, how he laughed! I don't think I have known a more positive man. I cry that my children will never know him. I will never have pictures of them being held in his giant hands. I will never hear him laugh at their funny antics. And that hurts my heart so bad it almost suffocates me. I wanted him to be proud of me, as I was so proud of him. And I think he was. He LOVED Troy and was so pleased when we were married. In fact, he was so excited he bought a new suit just for our wedding! That melted my heart and made me feel so special. He played his guitar at our rehearsal dinner, and played a love song he had selected just for us. I remember when Gramps first met Troy. Then and there he wanted Troy for his grandson! He got his wish and I am so happy he was there to see us marry.

Hero. That was the best word to sum him up. A heart-wrenching moment was when I talked on the phone to my brother right after Gramps' passing. My brother became all choked up and brokenly said "My hero is gone."

Oh Gramps, my heart misses you already! My arms ache to get a big bear hug from you just one more time. My eyes wish so badly to be able to see you holding my children. I will ask my God to grant me a favor. I will ask him to introduce to Gramps the baby I miscarried. And that baby can be loved on by my beloved Gramps and together they will wait for the rest of us to someday join them.

Yes, May 5th was a yucky day. One of the greatest men I know left this world. But I can't help but smile as I picture him setting foot into heaven, tossing his head back in a great laugh, and announce "Here I am, you lucky people!"

Dedicated to Elvin "Smitty" Smith. 1923 - May 5, 2010 (a/k/a too soon). I love you!!!

Music

I love music! It has been a big part of my life forever. I was born into a very musical family on both sides. My mother is a good singer and has great rhythm, my father is an excellent trumpet player and sings in a group, both of my grandmothers are/were fantastic pianists, and I have an uncle and cousin who are known in town for their drumming skills. It's in my blood. It's a big part of who I am and how I express my emotions. I love playing the piano at church as a way to worship God and thank Him for my talents. I play piano when I am angry, bored, or frustrated. It sooths my soul. I also love to take drives and just listen to my ipod. In fact, that was Troy's and my first date! I have come to realize that I ALWAYS have music going through my head.

One of the things I love about songs are the lyrics. It must be the same way people love poetry. There is just something about it. Maybe it makes me feel like I'm not alone in the way I feel - there are others who have gone through similar circumstances I have, or feel about their loved ones the way I do. But I love it. Sometimes I wish I had a soundtrack for my life. Sometimes I just want to sit down with Troy, put a song on, and say "Listen to these words - this is exactly how I feel about you too!!" Oh wait, I do make him do that! ;-) I bet that for every situation I have had in my life, I can find a song to fit it. Sometimes I think it makes me quirky, but it's something that will probably never change.

So, speaking of, today I heard a song that Troy once told me he listened to when we first met and would think of me. That was probably one of the most romantic things he has ever told me and I don't think he even realizes that. Every time this song comes on my ipod it makes me smile, gives me butterflies in my stomach as I remember how it felt to first fall in love with him, and I listen to it about 8 times in a row. Not joking. I'll post the lyrics, since of course they are the most important part of this song, and imagine it to a peppy, happy beat, of the first love song my husband listened to and thought about me.

"Everybody" by Sister Hazel.

You are so sexy my love
You've got me tripping over my tongue
And I can't say what I mean
But I mean it when I say
that I fell so hard for you
that it broke my heart in two
Now I'm wrapped in black and blue
You know I'm crazy 'bout you
Should I take a chance?
Or should I sit and wonder of you?

I wanna tell everybody everybody
that you're so much more than they've ever even seen before
And I wanna tell everybody everybody
If they touched your hand then they'd never want to let you go

Like a junkie to a rush
I'd trade my mama for your touch
Oh wait that might just be too much
Well I'd do anything but that
You are so tempting my dear
You strip away my useless fears
No you don't care that I'm weird
And that's amazing yeah

Oh as you walk on by
Oh I - I sit in wonder of you

I wanna tell everybody everybody
that you're so much more than they've ever even seen before
And I wanna tell everybody everybody
If they touched your hand then they'd never want to let you go

Spinning around like nobody's watching
Nobody else but me
So far beyond my imagination
If they could only see
yeah yeah

Oh you are so sexy my love
You've got me tripping over my tongue
And I can't say what I mean
But I mean it when I say

I wanna tell everybody everybody
that you're so much more than they've ever even seen before
And I wanna tell everybody everybody
If they touched your hand then they'd never want to let you go no
I wanna tell everybody everybody
that you're so much more than they've ever even seen before
And I wanna tell everybody everybody
If they touched your hand then they'd never want to let you go
Everybody everybody
yeah

Faithfulness -

Faithfulness. A word you hear so often in the Bible. It describes God's character. It is something we are instructed to be. It is a "fruit" of the spirit. But what does it truly mean? What does it mean to have a faithful God?

I was listening to a song on my ipod driving today that has wonderful lyrics and talks about how our God is faithful. And for some reason, it got me thinking about that and I found myself in awe of Him.

This weekend a life-long friend of our family, and a very good, very Godly man, passed away quite unexpectedly. He was diagnosed with a brain tumor a few months ago, and everyone who knew this family and believes in miracles began praying for complete healing. Our prayers seemed answered because as of Friday there was NO SIGN of the tumor! However, he was diagnosed with meningitis and within less than 24 hours he went from not feeling very well with a small fever, to passing away. Was God faithful?

Some might think not. Some may think it is cruel for a God to take away loved ones when they still have so much life to live and so much goodness to share with the world. How about when children die? Is God faithful then? When catastrophes come to innocent people, and bad things happen to those who are considered good? Is God faithful?

I think yes. God IS faithful, because God is faithful to His Word. We are never told that life on this earth will be easy. God never promised that part of His faithfulness was to shield us from pain. His promise and faithfulness is that He will "never leave us or forsake us". His promise is that WHEN pain comes, He is there. He will cry with us. He will show us how to walk through our pain and know that we are not walking it alone. He knows our heart's cry without us having to try and put it into words.

This thought has made me sit and think today what else the Bible says that we know God is faithful to. How about the way the earth moves on it's axis and seasons come and go as they should? He is faithful. How about the fact that we are promised that what satan intends for evil, God will take and use for good? He is faithful. And how about the fact that I can rest and let Him be God because I know He holds my world in His hands, just as He promised? He is faithful.

Think on that today - what a wonderful thing to have a faithful God who keeps His promises. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. My God never changes, and neither do His promises. I will close this post with the lyrics of the song that started this thought process in my mind.

"There's the redeemed lost again
Confused with doubts and suffering
But if only they'd open up their eyes
And see the beauty of their God, who has never left their side

This is the chorus of the saints singing "Hallelujah! Our God is faithful!"

We the redeemed are lost again
With misplaced trust and desire to complain
But if only we'd open up our eyes
And see the beauty of our God
Who has never left our side

This is the chorus of the saints singing "Hallelujah! Our God is faithful!"

So open up your eyes
And see the beauty of your God
Who has never left your side

This is the chorus of the saints singing "Hallelujah! Our God is faithful!"

Blessings!

Okay, my 2nd day being 30 and I guess it isn't so bad ;-) I was so touched yesterday by people's thoughtfulness to write, call, text, or even give me a gift! I was amazed, and felt humbled. I don't feel like I am that thoughtful to others, so it is a good reminder to try and be better about that kind of thing.

My husband gave me one of the most amazing gifts ever that I'm sure I will never forget! He blessed me by using his hard-earned bonus to buy me an incredible camera! It's the Canon Rebel xs with 10 megapixels - amazing! I used to really be into photography and have missed getting to do that. Now that we have a good computer, I was anxious to get a new digital camera so I can play around with photos. I never dreamed he would be so generous with his gift to me! He's got to be one of the best husbands ever and I'm so glad he's mine!

This morning I took an early pregnancy test in the hopes that I would still get one more wonderful birthday gift. Negative. Again. I cried. Now I am in the process of praying what God would have me do. Should I continue with my efforts to do everything I can to put it out of my mind and just know it will happen when it happens? Or should we use methods to "try" more? It is so tiring to cry every month. I really ache for women who do this for years. I'm only 3 months into this and I feel discouraged!

So, once again I stood in the shower, took my few minutes to cry and feel sorry for myself, then wiped my tears and began singing a faith-filled song to God (er, did I just admit that I sing in the shower?). I really don't want to be foolish and miss the good things that are happening in my life right now. I have a friend who is pregnant and whose due date is a week before what mine would have been if I hadn't miscarried. I'm happy for her, but I have to admit it hurts my heart a bit to see her cute little belly and hear about how she can feel the baby move now. It makes me so anxious to have that! I also recently found out about another friend who is pregnant, and another who is having twins. Two others are having babies next month. And somehow, that makes me feel left behind and kind of lonely.

I know, I know, it's ONLY been 3 months. But 3 months is starting to feel like forever. How many more months will I hold my breath and pray to see that second pink line? How many more months will I cry before I do? And when it finally does happen, you better believe I will be praying that my body will do what it's supposed to and grow a healthy baby, because another miscarriage might just push me over the edge into crazy-town! My mother had 9 and I don't know how she did it. How she NEVER gave up faith! I hope to be that kind of woman too - only without all of the miscarriages, of course. But, maybe that's the only way you get there.

I hope that through all of this something beautiful is growing in me. And I don't just mean the life of a child. I mean my life, and my spirit. I hope I am learning to love what is good and hate what is evil. To know without a doubt that my God can move mountains if I only have the faith to ask Him. To hang onto the words He has given me, and the knowledge that He keeps His promises. To realize that faith is being SURE of what we HOPE for, and CERTAIN of what we do NOT see. If faith like that was easy, everyone would do it.

Yes, God is still growing something inside me. And I think I know what it is. It's love for Him and joy for my future. I think it's faith that is stronger every day, and hope that I cling to with everything in me. Its gratitude for what I have now, and contentment for the joys of today.

Today, I am 30. I have lived 30 blessed years, and I am so fortunate. Someday, I WILL see that second pink line, and I will finally cry tears of joy.

"...to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor." Isaiah 61:3

30!!!

So, in honor of my 30th birthday coming up on Thursday, I decided to do 30 things you may or may not know about me:

1) I was born in Kauai, Hawaii, while my parents were vacationing. I had the honor of getting to return there with Troy for our honeymoon, and he bought me beautiful jewelry that is so dear to my heart because it represents my birthplace, our honeymoon and start to our new life together, and a place I just plain love!

2) Jobs I have held since I was 14: babysitter, clerk at Discount Video, church nursery attendant, janitor, nanny (both part-time and full-time), dogsitter, worked at the Missoula mall (Gifts Etc., Bath and Body Works, and a clothing store that I have forgetten the name of now), my parents' office, legal assistant, waitress (1 year at Outback in OH, and 3 years at The Depot in Msla), Allstate Insurance, and now currently an office manager at Active PT and independent consultant for Partylite and Lia Sophia.

3) I have always had a job since I was 14, but have only had I think 4 official interviews. And none of them were for the job I currently have!

4) I always wished I was a twin.

5) I L-O-V-E animals!!!! Almost to a fault. I once ran over a squirrel and it traumatized me for years. I completely missed my calling to be a zoo-keeper or dog trainer.

6) Pretty sure I knew my husband was "the one" even before we met. I just always had a feeling (I knew of him for a long time before we actually met).

7) I have never done drugs of any kind, nor been drunk. No, I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything.

8) I never had to watch what I ate until I turned 26. Quite the shock! Depressing too...

9) Sometimes I regret not finishing school, and think I would have been a pretty good nurse or PA if I had just stuck with it. On the flip side, at the time I didn't know what I wanted to do, and I got a pretty good career anyway.

10) I love TV. It's terrible, but true.

11) I love books too. One of my favorite things in the world is to go to a bookstore and buy a new book. Sometimes I do it when I'm sad or had a really bad day. It's a fairly inexpensive way to make myself feel better.

12) I wear my heart on my sleeve (but maybe you all knew that anyway).

13) It is easy for me to believe that everyone tells the truth and they will do the right thing. It's a shock to ever find out differently.

14) I can play the piano and saxophone (not at the same time, of course).

15) I suppose I am grateful my mother never let me quit the piano ;-)

16) I am awful at sports that require coordination with my feet (skiing, soccer).

17) I am great at sports that require coordination with my hands (tennis, basketball).

18) I was born with severe asthma, and still struggle with it. I could probably feel sorry for myself but I really don't know anything different. Except that it does prohibit me from working with animals, and sometimes that makes me a bit sad.

19) I had an unbelievably happy childhood, for which I am so grateful!

20) I love paying bills and working with money. In fact, I love money!

21) I HATED being tall when I was growing up, but since about 11th grade have come to appreciate my height.

22) I love surprises, which is a good thing if you know my mother!!!

23) I could probably stay home without stepping foot out of my yard for a week, and it would not bother me.

24) I don't know what I would do without my mom or sister.

25) I attended a Christian school for 13 years, and never once have wished that I had attended a public school.

26) I learned how to drive a tractor before I learned how to drive a car.

27) I am TERRIFIED of giving birth!!!

28) I have had plastic surgery and it was one of the best decisions I ever made.

29) I had my passport stolen in the Atlanta airport on my way to Brazil. I still have not been to Brazil - but my suitcase went without me! I have, however, successfully visited Germany, Austria, Switzerland, China, and Canada. If I was rich, I would definitely spend my money on traveling!!!

30) I am not afraid of what happens after death, but I am very afraid of how I will die and of losing loved ones. I think that's why it bothers me to get older.

So there ya go!

Venting

I often hear people say "You know what's wrong with our society?", and then continue to give their (usually unasked) opinion. Sorry to say, I've become one of those people. But some days I read headlines and articles, hear people talk, and see things on television that just make me want to scream and say "Can't you see this is not a good idea????" And since this is MY blog, I can vent as I please - haha!

My recent observation and frustration is something I easily fall into as well. And it is an attitude of entitlement. It is easy for me to feel that I deserve something or am entitled to something. And it makes me feel like a selfish, ugly, terrible person when I see that in myself. I also feel that way when I see it in others. It brings out the worst in people, and it brings out the worst in me.

There is nothing uglier than a child who feels entitled to several grand birthday and Christmas gifts, and expects nothing less. And not even a child, sometimes you see it in adults! Again, I'm not pointing fingers because I absolutely catch myself having that mindset too. I really do think it's our society. This is what is constantly advertised and shown - that a person is entitled to a larger than needed house (children having to share a bedroom, or a wife and husband having to share a bathroom sink? - *gasp* how awful!), a grand vacation every year, college paid for, a high-paying job with minimal work hours, new cars (including one for each of the children at the age of 15), the most fashionable clothing, and over-the-top holiday gifts and celebrations. Oh, and if you experience an injustice in any way, sue the person who caused it (yes, McDonalds, it's your fault that I'm overweight)!

Over the last few years, I really have worked to maintain a thankful heart at all times, for all things. I don't think there is any better remedy for the greed. I understand that ALL good gifts come from the Lord, and not because we deserve them. Do we really want God to give us what we 'deserve'? I don't! Because I certainly don't deserve all the blessings I have in my life - they are purely from a merciful and gracious Father.

As I think about having children, how is that something you can instill in them? How do you resist the temptation to spoil them rotten when you love them so much? I am terrified to have rude, spoiled, ungrateful children, who believe they are entitled to so much. How do we teach them to work hard, and to be grateful for even the smallest things, and to be a gracious person? To share what God has blessed them with and not expect anything in return? My husband is one of the most generous and humble people I have ever met. I think he would give our house away to someone if I let him! He is wonderful and I pray our children are like him.

In hopes that I can make our society a better place, I will continue to ask the Lord to give me a generous and thankful heart, and know that all we have is so much more than we deserve, and pray we can teach our children the same.

Good Days, Bad Days

Ever have 'those' days? Well, today is one of mine. Most days I am quite happy and content with my life. I love my husband, I love my job, I love my house, I love my dogs (no seriously, I am completely obsessed with my dogs!), and I love my family. Most days I feel okay with not being pregnant or having children yet. Most days.

But then there are days like today, where for some reason, it's more of a struggle to put all trust in God and practice patience. And the most frustrating part is that really, trusting God and being patient is my only option! I have no control over when I get pregnant. Or even if. And truly, at the end of the day I only want His plan in my life, whatever that consists of.

Today my brother and sister-in-law found out they have to wait 2 more weeks before making their adoption of 2 children from Ethiopia official, and then can proceed with plans to go get them. Very disappointing. And I really can identify. Each month that I'm not pregnant, it's a disappointment knowing that I have to wait again to find out if I am. Maybe that's why I feel kind of blue today.

However, I really am doing my best to be patient and not think about it. I have vowed to quit watching the calendar, quit letting my mind go there all the time, and just enjoy the wonderful life that I have right now. I suppose time goes fast enough without me wanting to rush it. The future doesn't always bring good things, so I will appreciate what I have for today. Even if it is one of the 'those' days.

"But the Fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, PATIENCE, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control." (hope that was the right order - I just wrote that from memory!)

Self-Discipline

You know how people sometimes ask the question "If you could change anything about yourself, what would it be"? Well, my answer is always the same - if it's a physical change, I hate my legs. But if it's a personality change, I wish it would be easier for me to be self-disciplined. All my life I have struggled with it, and God bless my mother's soul if she didn't work hard to try and instill it in me! But it just. doesn't. come. naturally.

Growing up, my mom worked really hard to help me learn it. I had to do things like get up at 6:30 in the morning to practice my piano for 30 minutes (in the meantime, it ruined my brother's life - just ask him about that) before school, which I HATED! But, you would have thought that the reward of not having to worry about it when I got home would have made it worth it. It didn't. Every weekend I had great plans of doing my homework on Friday, so that it would be done. But despite my good intentions you would find me starting it at 7:00 on Sunday night. I was constantly in trouble for not keeping my room clean, and to this day if you come over to my house unexpectadly, you will find my bed unmade and clothes on the floor.

It's frustrating, and sometimes I am concerned that I won't be a good mother because the hard work and self-discipline don't come easy to me. I'm not a morning person. At all. Every morning when I get up for work I think about how I need a job that doesn't start at least until 10:00. But I know that once we have a baby, he/she isn't going to care that I need and love my sleep. I know there will be nights where I just will not feel like making a healthy dinner, but that my family deserves and needs me to take care of them. And so I wonder if I really am cut out to have children, and if I can do a good job raising them.

Don't get me wrong, I know I do have my strengths. I'm a great worker at my job and my desk is left spotless every day when I go home. I have always been that way. And I hate a dirty bathroom, so 9 out of 10 times, if you show up at my house and surprise me by asking to use my bathroom, I won't feel embarrassed to say okay. And Troy has helped me get into the habit of keeping our living room clean and presentable as well.

I have to say my pets have also been good as I work to be self-disciplined. Lucy (our big dog) NEEDS opportunity to run and be walked daily (or almost daily). After a long day at work, rarely do I feel like loading them up and taking them somewhere for a hike or walk. But I do, because I know it's in their best interest and they will happier, healthier dogs. I have become more active outdoors since we got Lucy, and I'm grateful. She gets me going and I have learned to love at least one form of exercise - hiking! If it wasn't for her, I probably wouldn't go even 1/3 as often as I do now. I can thank her for helping me shed my winter chub every spring and summer!

I guess I pray that when we do have a baby, we will have the opportunity for me to stay home. Because maybe if I don't have to share my time and focus on an office job, the care for my home and my family will become that and I will excel in it as I do with my current work. I hope my nurturing instincts will kick in and it will be easier for me to be disciplined with the care of my child, because I will love it so much. I hope. But it still is a concern and makes me not like myself very much. I guess it is these weaknesses that just show me how much I need God, and how I am a CONSTANT work in progress! As are my legs.

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, of love, and of self-discipline." 2 Timothy 1:7

Easter!

Today is Good Friday, and I am so excited that Easter is in 2 days! On this day, my Lord voluntarily was tried in an unfair trial, whipped and beaten until He was unrecognizable, and brutally hung to die on a wooden cross. Voluntarily. Wow. Of course, I heard the story much while growing up, but every year it seems to mean more to me, and I appreciate it more. Maybe because I am close to the age Jesus was when He died. Maybe my adult thoughts are more similar to how His were, and I can identify a little better with Him. But it's amazing. Amazing He loves so much. He took on my sin for me, not that I would then have the freedom to sin as I please, but that I may have the freedom to love and show grace and forgiveness as He does.

My family has a wonderful Easter tradition. We all attend church together (I cry every year - so grateful for everything I have!), then enjoy one of THE BEST brunches ever at Finn & Porter. I'm telling you, anything you can imagine they have. My mouth is already watering! After stuffing ourselves to no end, we roll back to our cars and head home to change. Then we meet up at my parents' house (the one we were all raised in), pick out the best bag you can find for egg collecting, and then it's GAME ON! My mother hides 500 easter eggs over a 2-acre lot, strictly for the adults (my dad, 7 siblings, and me). Those eggs are filled with "tickets" for prizes such as household items, clothing, tools, etc., as well as candy and money. We train all year for this event! After we are fairly sure all the eggs have been found, we go inside for the prize distribution, admire our loot, and then trade as you see fit. Of course, laughing the entire time as well (like the time my brother got a little too eager in his collecting and later found dog poo in his bag along with the eggs he had grabbed).

Sound greedy? Yeah, it probably is. But I love that my parents make Easter one of the most special days of the year. Because, even more so than Christmas, this day represents everything we believe in. It represents everything I believe in. Not just because I was raised this way, but because I have searched my soul and know without a doubt that there is a God. There is a God who sent His son Jesus to die for me. And I believe that Jesus did not stay dead - He was raised after 3 days, just as He promised, and just as all the prophets hundreds of years before said He would. He is alive and He loves me, and He is my reason for being.

I can't deny there is a God. I have heard Him speak to me. I have felt His presence in a room, and in me. I have seen His workings and His miracles. I have no doubt. I could always choose to walk away from it, but I could never deny He is who He says He is. There is too much evidence.

Many feel that being a Christian is no fun, that there is no freedom. Yeah, I guess sometimes it can feel that way. I mean, if I am to live in obedience to the Bible it doesn't give me the freedom to cheat on my husband. But would I want to anyway? And the Bible doesn't give me freedom to steal or kill or hurt others. But is getting to do that rewarding? The freedom I have is to live without guilt, and to know that God is making me into the best person I can be - the person He created me to be. I have a joy and a hope that I would otherwise not have without Him. And I know that my God can do anything, that He keeps His promises, and that He loves me like no one else ever can or will. I can be stripped of everything in my life - my house, my family, my money, my health. But my God and my faith can not ever be taken from me. And that is something I will never walk away from. He has given me so much, and asks so little in return.

So, as you celebrate Sunday in whatever fashion you do, think about how loved you are. Whether you believe in God or not, it doesn't matter to Him - you are loved anyway, just as I know I am. And THAT is a joyful thing!

"Why do you seek the living among the dead? He is not here, but has risen. Remember how he told you, while he was still in Galilee, that the Son of Man must be delivered into the hands of sinful men and be crucified and on the third day rise. And they remembered his words." Luke 24:5-7

Marriage

I LOVE being married! It's something I thought about and wished for since I was about 7. I'll admit, even as a little girl I was boy crazy. I don't think it was necessarily about the hormones, I just loved the feeling of having somebody be smitten with me - or more realistically, I would wish that they would be smitten with me. I spent years and years thinking about who God had for me, and when we would meet, and how. I would visualize how he would fit in with my family and how I would have someone to share all the wonderful things in my life, and the memories that my family makes. Christmas, birthdays, new babies. It was almost all-consuming.

Then I got older and realized that good men like my father and brothers were rare and hard to find. And if you did find one - darn it, they were already taken! I had high standards. But I think that was my saving grace to keep me waiting for the right one. It was hard to wait. I hated it. I can't tell you how many times I cried myself to sleep because I felt so lonely. For years I lived alone, worked 2 jobs, and each night went home to a dog and rabbit. I was in friends' weddings, and while I of course was happy for them, it was easy to feel sorry for myself. When would I ever find that too? I never wanted to be a career woman. All my life I just wanted to be a wife and mother, and have people to nurture, and who needed me. I knew my friends and family loved me, but no one really needed me. Not like a spouse or children would.

Finally, fall 2007, God gave me my dream man. Really! I had to wait until I was nearly 28 to find him. As I continue to learn about trusting God's timing with children, I think about His perfect timing to bring Troy and I together. I look back and see how he was preparing us for each other, to be in a place we could quickly commit and marry. We both had things to work through, and lessons to learn before we were ready to meet. But when we did - oh my, like a fairy tale come true! I remember when our relationship was getting serious (all of 4 weeks after we met), I was in my bedroom one day sitting on my bed, and thinking about Troy. I was thinking to myself "Okay, if I married him, what would I be compromising on that I always wanted in a husband? What would I be giving up?" And you know, I couldn't think of ONE THING. Not one thing. He literally was everything I had always wanted! He has a wonderful family that I am so glad I married into, he is kind, he is good, he is faithful and loyal. He brings out the best in me, and loves me even when he sees the worst in me. He is so patient. He loves Jesus and encourages me in my walk with the Lord. I trust him with everything.

Let me tell you, in all my fantasizing of what marriage would be like, the real thing is even better. I get to have a slumber party every day with my best friend! I love that most nights I go to bed with my face hurting from laughing so hard. I love that we spend the cold, dark evenings at home in our pajamas, cuddled on the couch with our dogs, watching tv and playing cribbage or yahtzee. When I feel extra chatty, Troy politely sits there and listens to me talk his ear off. He even will ask questions so that I feel important and know he is paying attention to me, even if all I am talking about is candles (I have an obsession). He loves my family like I do, and every get-together is so much more fun than it was before, because I finally have my other half there to share it with. I no longer drive home by myself, but now get to ride with Troy and re-hash the funny things that happened. He has my back, and I have his. We're a team. Partners. Friends. Lovers. BFFs.

The downside to the wonderfulness of marital bliss? It's terrifying to love someone so much. I can't imagine if I lost him. I know a piece of me would die as well. I think I would have to eat sedatives like candy because otherwise I would go crazy. How could I not have him to talk to every day? How would I ever again sleep without him beside me? I mean, I cry now thinking about taking a weekend trip next week and the fact that I won't get to see him for over 24 hours . Extreme? Perhaps. But I waited a long time for this man! He knows things about me no one else does.

So, as badly as I want to be a mother, overall I really am content to just be a wife at this time. I know that this is the only time in our lives that it will just be the 2 of us. Because even when the children are grown, we will still be parents and our love and attention is shared with them. I do appreciate and take time to enjoy sleeping in on the weekends, doing whatever we want without much planning, and the quiet of our home. Someday that will all be traded in, and sometimes I am afraid that maybe I will hate it. But I have never talked to a mother who regrets having children, so I have to think I will be the same way. The known is a bit safer than the unknown, and I do love what I have now: a good man, who I love with every breath in me, and a blessed life.

"I have found the one whom my soul loves"

First Thoughts

Okay, I'm stepping into the 21st century. Now that I finally own a computer, I am going to try this "blogging" thing. At first these blogs did not make any sense to me. But after reading a few from my friends and family, I like them! And since I have never been good about sitting down and hand-writing my thoughts when they become so consuming, perhaps this will be a good outlet. Maybe in the process God will use me in someone's life. Maybe in the process God will use someone in my life. Either way, can't hurt to try!

Here is my current journey that I am learning to walk through. I want to be pregnant. Yesterday. My husband and I have been married almost 19 months, and we have a wonderful, strong, God-centered relationship. We bought our first house 6 months ago, big enough to grow into, and we both have very good careers. I also will be turning 30 in 2 weeks. In my mind, perfect timing.

Now, about a year ago I thought maybe it was a good time to go off the pill, so we did. After 3 months, we were house-hunting, got scared, and I went back on them. In December, I decided to again go off them, telling my husband that I was sure I won't get pregnant very easily (because I didn't the first time), and that it will probably take us at least a year. That helped wipe the terror off his face, and give me the okay to "pull the goalie". 4 weeks later I felt different. Tired. Exhausted, actually. Crying over everything. Needing to use the restroom often. And as I looked at the calendar, I realized I had missed something important. Certain that my body was just a little confused, I went ahead and double-checked with an at-home test while my husband was gone. Again, no need to cause terror in him over a false alarm.

Positive. What?! Can't be! Excited? Scared! What did we just do? Life will never be the same again. WHAT DID WE JUST DO???? Pace, pace, pace; look out the window. When is Husband coming home??? Pace, pace, pace. Secretly call Sister. Pace, pace, pace; check the garage. Finally, he came home and I got to share the news with him.

The next few days, the shock wore off, and joy and excitement set in. I went to Target to buy Pre-Natal vitamins, "what to expect when you're expecting", and grandma and grandpa bibs to give to my in-laws. I called the doctor and set an appointment for our first ultrasound. We figured out the due date - September 26th. 3 weeks after our 2nd anniversary and at the end of Troy's golf season - perfect timing! I was eating healthier than I ever had - making sure to get several fruits and vegetables in my body daily. I no longer cared if it tasted good or not - only the best for my baby!

We were too excited to wait the popular first trimester before telling anyone - how do women do that?? We both were bursting with the news. So we told close friends, immediate family, and my boss. Everyone was so excited. My mother-in-law cried, and that woman NEVER cries! Oh, how we all loved that baby already! All during this time, I had a nagging feeling that I was going to miscarry. I talked myself out of it, thinking that I was just being negative, expecting the worst, not trusting God, etc. Still, the feeling never went away and I felt like I was in constant prayer that I would not lose this baby I was already in love with.

A week later, I felt different again. Certain pregnancy signs were no longer as strong. Fear set in. 9:00 on a Sunday night, I went to use the restroom and found the obvious sign of a miscarriage. I was heartbroken. Troy, my mom, and sister all tried to encourage me that maybe I didn't lose it. But I knew I did. Deep down, I knew. And somehow all along, I knew that I was going to lose it. Women's intuition? Mother's early intuition? Maybe. But somehow I was not surprised. It was a life, and a child. Only 6 weeks old, but a child. And I had already loved it and felt protection for it. Suddenly it was gone, and I missed it. I missed knowing there was something in me. I missed planning for it. And I missed the joy of being pregnant.

I know it's common, and still today I feel guilty for continuing to walk through the grieving process. I mean, I never met it. I never saw it on an ultrasound. We didn't even have names picked out. It wasn't even a him or her yet. Shouldn't I already have moved on? But I'm not completely there yet. And maybe I won't be until I am pregnant again. Last night I thought about how I would have been starting my 2nd trimester now. Maybe I would even have started showing a bit. And that brings a lump to my throat. We were dealt an injustice. How come women have abortions on purpose, and yet the child we wanted was taken from us? Questions that will never be answered while we are on this earth.

God has a plan. That sentence has been thrown at us a lot. And yet, it is what I cling to. Now I am desperate to become pregnant again, and for the 2nd month "trying", I still am not. Everyone advises "You're trying too hard. You need to just relax." Yes, I know this in my mind, but how does one not think about it? I really am trying. I am trying to not think about it, and working to keep my faith that God has something wonderful in our future. But God's timing is not always our timing. It is so hard to wait! Does God remember that I am almost 30 and that I want to have more than 1 child? The things you can't control. I walked through this journey when I was desperate to fall in love and be married. Does God remember that we already did the patience test then? Can I please just have something come easy for me, like get pregnant when I want to?

I know others walk this road, and I am trying to do it with as much grace as them. And I really am grateful for the blessings we have - like, at least now I know I can get pregnant. And now this gives me some more "newlywed" time to enjoy having Troy's attention to myself. And more time to improve our financial situation. This has made our marriage stronger, rather than coming between us. It has also made my faith stronger. Truly, while I don't understand His ways, I am more in love with my God than ever before. I feel Him closer. I hear Him whisper in that still, small voice, that He has great things in store for us, and to be at peace, and to trust. I don't expect Him to "make this up to us", but I know I will look back and be grateful for His perfect timing. And I am honored that He trusted Troy and I to walk this road and know that our faith in Him and our commitment to each other would not falter.

"But He knows the way that I take; when He has tested me, I will come forth as gold."